Top Ten Don'ts of American Idol Auditions

As Season 7 of Fox's 3000-pound gorilla, American Idol enters its second week, the auditions so awful they can only make you feel sorry for the contestants are in full swing. For anyone already planning for when the American Idol judges roll into your city next summer, here are a list of ten American Idol audition don'ts that anyone who has ever seen the show should already know (but clearly don't).

1. Don't wear a costume. It doesn't matter what you are singing....just don't. Dressing like Dorothy for your rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow only adds to the experience if you also sing like Judy Garland. If your voice sounds like a cat beneath a rocking chair, the costume is only going to add to your humiliation.

2. Going along with the costume, don't bring props. A good luck charm is one thing, but a life-size cardboard cut out of one of the Idol judges is another thing entirely.

3. Unless you have had professional vocal training for, I don't know, your whole life and have had a professional ("professional" here does not mean mother, father, sister, brother, mail carrier or elementary school librarian) tell you that you can swing it, don't sing songs by Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Kelly Clarkson, Charlotte Church....or ANY female singer if you are a man. 98% of the time, it ends badly.

4. Don't argue with Randy, Paula or Simon. A. They have been doing this for a while, they know what they're doing and B. It only results in making you into a clip the producers will insert into the show EVERY chance they get.

5. If the above mentioned Idol judges tell you to stop, you're done, go home, for the love of everything musical, do not keep singing and keep singing and keep singing.

6. Don't try singing something you've heard on the radio once. Not knowing the words or singing the same words over and over or singing an impromptu medley you made up because you forgot the words will only result in making you into a clip the producers will insert into the show EVERY chance they get.

7. Don't go to the ropes defending yourself all the way out to the street and beyond; the camera will follow you resulting in a clip the producers will insert into the show EVERY chance they get. (Anyone see a pattern here?)

8. Unless you have told a joke and really intended to receive laughter, don't keep singing while the judges are rolling on the floor laughing until they cry. Again we consult the statistics and find that 99% of the time, they are laughing at you, not with you, so save some dignity and stop singing.

9. It is one thing to persevere and audition a second time because your nerves got the best of you the first time around. The "Don't" here comes when you stalk the American Idol judges across 48 states and 5 years. If you didn't get picked in your first ten auditions, eleven is probably not going to be your lucky number.

And last but certainly not least... Don't write your own songs. Even if your good at it, save the song writing for after you win the competition, stick to popular tunes for auditioning. The Idol judges have heard enough new material of ... er... questionable quality that the mere thought of a "homemade" audition, no matter how it turns out, makes them shudder, swaying their judgment against you before you even begin.