Top Ten Funny New Year's Resolutions for 2010

New Year's resolutions. Who first came up with them, and why? Don't ask me-I don't know. And for that matter, who really cares? No one, not even the dog. In fact, maybe it would be best to take a page from my dog's life and not worry about self-improvement. After all, if sleeping in a soft bed, getting three squares a day, and chasing a tail for fun is good enough for my dog, it should work for me. Well, all except the chasing-the-tail part. I can't even lick my elbow (don't laugh, I'll bet you can't do it, either), so I know that tail-chasing is not my cup of sparkling cider.

All the same, every year when the new year rolls around, I wrack my brain to think of resolutions to improve my life. I've found from experience that resolving to win the lottery is not likely to happen, because as they say (not that I've ever figured out who "they" are), "Ya gotta play to win."

Obviously, I prefer to make resolutions that are a sure thing. Stuff like, "Eat numerous times in the new year," or "Sleep whenever possible."

One time I resolved to gain weight, and that worked well in terms of easy accomplishment, but not so hot in terms of fitting into a cocktail dress. Not unless you count fitting into it while looking like a cocktail wiener. Face it; resolving to gain weight is like resolving to grow older. You can check it off the list, but you'll wish you'd chosen something more exciting-like maybe dying your hair pink and getting your eyebrows shaved.

Still, for some bizarre reason-perhaps my brain was taken over by aliens, or worse yet, melted by global warming-I agreed to take on the Associated Content assignment of listing ten New Year's resolutions. I would have preferred a smaller number, like ... um ... I don't know. Is there any number less than one? Can I have a negative one resolution? I'm sure I could manage to keep a minus resolution, as long as it was easy, fun, and didn't involve my elbow meeting my tongue.

In 2010, I plan to:

1. Eat more fruit. As my husband used to say when we were dating, "Pumpkin seed better than weed, but prune juice sets you free!" Don't ask me what it means, because I haven't a clue. With the way he wrote poetry, it's a wonder I agreed to marry him.
2. Go to the gym. If I can't make it there, I'll try for the john.
3. Go to church more often. Now, when's the next potluck scheduled?
4. Walk the dog twice a day. Oh look, when you put the dog on the treadmill, his little legs go really fast!
5. Get to bed earlier. By switching the clock to Pacific Standard Time at bedtime, I'll be asleep three hours earlier.
6. Learn Morse code. -... --- --- There, that was easy. What? The dots and dashes have to be in some kind of order?
7. Have more patience. Hmm, better get a medical degree first and start with just one patient. I can always get more later.
8. Dust the light bulbs. I don't know why. It isn't like there's a little light bulb Nazi that comes around and inspects them.
9. Learn to croshaay ... kroshay ... crowshay ... aw, what the heck, learn to spell.
10. Give up on resolutions, grab some leftover Christmas fudge and go watch Yosemite Sam on TV. Ahhh, finally-something I can achieve!

Sources:
Embedded links.
Personal experience.