Top Ten Gift Ideas for the Greatest Gift Giver of All: Santa Claus

Halloween is over, and that means it's Christmas time in America. Take some time out from thinking about what you want this holiday season to check out some items the guy in the red suit might want:

10. Beard Trimmer
Okay, so his beard is his staple, but it seems that lately Santa's facial hair has been getting a little out of control. That old hippie look completely went out of style around the time Jerry Garcia died. A beard trimmer would help Mr. Claus stay fashionable while keeping that core characteristic that makes him the man each holiday season.

9. Day at the Spa
Kris spends an entire night climbing in and out of one of the dirtiest spots in every person's home: the chimney. That has to leave a strain on the man. A day full of massages, mud baths, and body treatments would definitely help him recover from his all-nighter on December 25.

8. Blackberry
I don't know if it's just me, but Santa seems a little out of touch with the rest of the 21st century. I just checked on Google and I'm not even sure he has an official website. Get with it, Santa! This isn't Miracle on 34th Street-kids don't want to send you letters in the actual, God forbid, mail. It's all about email now, duh! A Blackberry would be a wonderful way to shout ho-ho-hos to his friends while organizing who's been good and who's been naughty.

7. The South Beach Diet Manual
Let's face it, Santa is a fatty. He looks like the quintessential American, more likely to be seen chomping down one of those disgusting KFC chicken bowls than overlooking (slim) elves at the North Pole. With the health risks involved with obesity becoming so prevalent these days, a diet book is the best way to get Father Christmas back into shape.

6. Justin Timberlake's Future Sex/Love Sounds
Just because.

5. Red Bull and Vodka
Santa Claus brings toys to every kid around the world in one night… he deserves a drink. Plus, the "liquid crack" will help him stay awake through his deliveries.

4. The Right to Ban Santa Clause 3 From Movie Theaters
I'm sorry, but if Tim Allen was the actor picked to play me 3 times, I'd be pissed. Not to mention having to watch Martin Short for an hour and a half. Don't get me wrong, the first one was funny, but quit while you're ahead Toolman! Santa should have the right to prohibit the viewing and distribution of this film everywhere from here to the Arctic Circle.

3. The DVD Set of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson
Santa's up in the secluded Pole for 364 days a year with Mrs. Claus, you don't think he's getting any? It's a fact, Santa does get horny. Since he basically has no other purpose in life but to make children happy one day every year, he spends the rest of his time locked up in the bedroom. However, come May, Santa's sex life has less spice than the cider his dear wife makes for him. Sue Johanson's instructions/toys would help add an extra zing to the relationship of one of the world's most famous couples.

2. The Replacement of Elves with Mexican Immigrants
The way I see it, replacing elves with Mexican immigrants would solve many problems. First of all, it would allow elves to go make something of themselves in this world; they would be free to do whatever they pleased, no longer shackled by the constant duty of creating whatever popular toy the brats want that year. It would solve the immigration problem here in America. Kiss the wall idea adios! Plus, it would give the immigrants a safe, comfortable home with a boss who loves and appreciates them, something they would probably never have in our country.

1. The Flying DeLorean from Back to the Future
I know I keep bringing up Santa's image but come on: a sleigh? Who honestly drives a sleigh these days? Of all the popular flying vehicles out there, I chose the DeLorean for its ease of the sky and the nostalgia it brings to so many. Michael J's ride soared with precision and grace. Kringle could use a car like that. Personally, I think he would look extremely cool riding in it. It would be hip yet vintage, that is if we can consider the 80's vintage yet.

Santa's dedication to our demand for frivolous material items that will be tossed or broken after a few months shows how much he deserves these precious gift items. Instead of leaving the cliché milk and cookies this year, we should all think of something Old Saint Nick might really want.