Top Ten Gift Ideas for Parents to Give to Fresh, New Teenagers

In the world of shared information about raising teenagers, no doubt you have heard by now about some of the sudden changes that young teens go through, like making new and undesirable friends, dying beautiful blond hair to black in order to match lipstick or a spiked necklace, and most importantly, learning that teens are exempt from all standard rules. You have likely been warned that "Tiny Teen Models" is not a web site for petite models and that there are predators out there in cyberspace trying to trick you to click on that link. You may even be prepared for the late-night call from your teen informing you that the bowling alley just closed, your child and friends are now standing on a street corner, and have no ride home.

Yet, what rarely are passed on from parent to parent are the essential elements of gifting teens. The old Hot Wheels, Beanie Babies, and latest Disney movie figures are suddenly shunned and in their place on the wish list is "Any gangsta CD," about which Wikipedia says is a popular "genre for the messages it espouses including homophobia, misogyny, promiscuity, lack of morality, racism, and materialism." And you thought you had comprised your values when you bought that Power Rangers sword a few years back? Don't be alarmed, many of us are not willing to compromise our integrity, honor, and soul quite this much, either. In case you don't remember, it is OK to just say "No."

So, what are good gift ideas for teens? After here are some generations old, confirmed, tried and true, excellent ideas:

1. The ever-popular "Enter Only upon Pain of Death" door hanger.

2. Tuition to The Etiquette Center's course, "Teen Etiquette." Everything you have ever taught your teen is purposely long forgotten.

3. One-time cleaning and laundry service so your teen can open the bedroom door all the way again for the first time since I don't know when.

4. A Rap-to-English translation dictionary; becoming a member of the National Society of Teenagers requires fluency.

5. A gift certificate for The Yellow Cab Company for one special day of parent-free, complaint-free rides. (OK, so maybe this is more for us parents than the teen, but so what?)

6. A framed or laminated list of acceptable swear words and/or admissible names to call you when angry with usage from literary sources. Start with "Billions of blue blistering barnacles!" from The Adventures of Tintin comics and move on to "nutty fudgekins," a favorite of Marge Simpson. It goes something like this:
Teen: "Mom, can I have a 32" wide-screen HD TV for my room?"
Mom & Dad: "No."
Teen: "Are you serious?? Why am I the only one with nutty fudgkins parents? Oh, billions of blue blistering barnacles."
Mom: That's nice, dear.

7. A surprise gift from the heart: patches and repairs for all holes in sweatshirts, pants, and t-shirts. Your teen simply won't be able to believe it!

8. Tickets to Wayne Newton so your teen can hear what real music sounds like. Beware though, it's pricey; the current show sells for $86.35 per ticket.

9. As an alternative to "Mortal Combat: Deadly Alliance" and other M-rated video games, "Big Brain Academy," a superb choice that any self-respecting gamer of higher learning would enjoy. Bonus: it comes with 8-player mode so the whole family can enjoy it together.

10. Finally, the clssic gift no up-and-coming teen should be without, the 50-year-old book, How to Do Teen Angst: What You Need to Know to Never Smile and Stay Angry ALL Day (includes 175 photos). Now in it's record-setting 200th printing, it's never been off the best seller list after all these years. When you get it, you will see why all teenagers have the same persecuted expressions, the same pouty faces, and what the experts call "The NBA What-Me?Not-Me! Look." Don't believe me? How did you think they learned all this so quickly?

So, there you have it, the collective wisdom of thousands of parents passed down from generation to generation. Keep in mind that you are entering the developmental stage of Us against Them, and while no one recommends using gifts as weapons, if it offers parents a moment of peace and sanity, experts agree, "Go for it!"