Top Ten Gift Ideas for Zombies

Talk about "hard to buy for." Zombies never shop for themselves and depend on the holiday season and your generosity. Here are 10 great suggestions for the special zombie on your holiday list.

Deodorant
That is pretty self-explanatory. Zombies stink. They are rotting flesh after all. Pick up a nice bottle of cologne, too. Go all out with the Old Spice gift set. There's nothing like getting you brain ripped out by someone who smells like Grandpa.

Sneakers
A zombie's feet hurt all the time. A good pair of Nikes would do well. They'd stop all that lumbering and stumbling. They might even get in a good run.

Clothes
Zombies never have new clothes. Their wardrobe is rotting as fast as they are. A nice velure track suit would be welcomed by any undead creature. It's easy to put on over chunks of hanging flesh and very comfortable. It also allows them to blend in at Walmart. A wandering zombie in a track suit is indistinguishable from any other Walmart shopper.

Godiva
Who doesn't like Godiva chocolate? Wonderful, truffle-filled bites of joy. Grab a box of Godiva's newest confection, Bits-o-Brain. Chunks of cerebellum covered in dark chocolate with just a hint of pecan. Yum!

iPod
You think zombies just spontaneously break into the Thriller dance? It takes hours of practice. Zombies only spend half their day ambling about eating people. The rest of their day is taken up with dance rehearsal. Give the gift of music so your special zombie won't be out of step at the next video shoot.

Magazines
A magazine subscription is always nice, but what do zombies read? Any of the supermarket-checkout-worthy publications, of course. Get the zombie on your list a subscription to People, Us, Oprah, The National Enquirer or The Star. Very few of the undead read National Review or The New Republic, but there are some. So know your zombie's taste. Pass on anything with recipes. Zombies don't cook.

Rachael Ray
Someone please throw this woman into a mosh pit of zombies. Don't get me wrong, she has potential...the potential to be 400 pounds. Take a good look at her body type. Put someone like that around all that food and it will happen sooner than later. I recommend waiting until she hits at least 350 lbs so you can spread the zombie joy around.

Web subscription
What zombie wouldn't love to have a Rush 24/7 subscription? Your zombie could join thousands of other zombies and watch the "Ditto Cam." Rush Limbaugh is obviously the leader of the zombie nation, but how does he stay immune from their endless lust to eat humans? The answer is simple. He has no brain, nothing to trigger the zombie eating instinct. That's why zombies love Rush Limbaugh.

Air America
A new radio locked on Air America is a great zombie gift. It's dead. They're dead. What could be more perfect? For just a few dollars more, Al Franken will come to any zombie convention or blood fest and speak in person. He seems to have a lot of time on his hands nowadays.

PlayStation 3
People were trampled for this?! What the frick and frack?! Pup tents at Best Buy; stampedes at Walmart; these people are the definition "undead." They've only left their house once in the last 3 years and that was to buy a new game system. This is the ultimate zombie gift. They obviously love video games and they are so addicted, it will keep them off the streets. That's a win-win if I ever saw one.