Top Ten Reasons Charlie Sheen Should Hire Me to Be His Winning Intern

I've had a few heroes in my lifetime. Most of them are dead. Hunter S. Thompson comes to mind. While the good doctor was alive, I missed the opportunity to meet him. I regret that. Now, I have the opportunity to be Charlie Sheen's intern. I will not pass up this opportunity. Charlie Sheen and I are bred from the same Adonis DNA and tiger blood. I got a paternity test the other day and learned Charlie Sheen is my biological father. However, I don't plan on slinking into the internship position based solely on nepotism (although I hope it helps). I also hope this helps - my top ten reasons Charlie Sheen should hire me to be his winning intern:

10) I'm more talented than Rebecca Black - Admittedly, you may say, "Who isn't more talented than Rebecca Black?" Well, Natalie Munroe, for one.

9) Like Charlie Sheen (born Carlos Irwin Estevez), I use a pseudonym. Fastball: LIVIN! is a synonym for WINNING!

8) Once upon a time, I owned the Charlie Sheen movie "The Chase." Seriously, who else can say they've ever owned that movie?

7) In 1999, Charlie Sheen appeared in the Charlie Kaufman movie "Being John Malkovich." I am John Malkovich. "Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich."

6) I, too, was once dubbed bi-polar. Now, I'm just bi-Sheen. This, of course, means I'm bi-winning!

5) Like Charlie Sheen, I have a father who is as cool as a cucumber. My father also drug me to be rehabilitated when he, mistakenly, thought I wasn't winning enough.

4) Like the actor, I spew torpedoes of truth. However, mine spew from my one-eyed monster. (I'm trying to impregnate the world with truth. If it also results in the spreading of tiger blood and Adonis DNA, then so be it.)

3) Like Charlie Sheen, I tried coke for awhile, one day decided to stop and abruptly quit for good, leaving it in the dust. I, subsequently, performed a variety of actions that many people questioned, just like Charlie Sheen. I thoroughly understand Charlie Sheen. It's like I've been practicing to be his intern for years.

2) I watched every single episode of "Sheen's Korner" on Ustream, before they were all removed.

1) On Twitter, I just unfollowed and re-followed Charlie Sheen simply to bump him to the front of my following list for the ease of access of both myself and my followers.