Top Ten New Year's Resolutions for the Corporate Billionaire

10. Burn incriminating information from '08 and dump into Hudson River. Laptops, PDA's, sensitive physical files, and knowledgeable employees will be erased and replaced with clean, friendly, and inadequate equivalents. Replace last year's ghost list of invisible investors and non-existent funds with more appealing and cryptic substitutes.

9. Use plump finger to sign the contract of a new scheme marketing desire-based, not need-based, products. Done properly, plump finger will get plumper. Done with perfect delicacy, the marketing scheme will fail, guaranteeing government aid i.e. the taxpayer's money.

8. Redistribute company assets so that they funnel to personal account directly. Laundering was done too cautiously last year. Assets were too thinly spread. Large portions of capital will be moved to the foreign market for greater ease and insecurity i.e. China, Japan, India.

7. Eclipse last year's superfluous expenditures. Board members are to be given an additional vacation to Cancun, preferably after the supply of government aid. This vacation will be known publicly as a "business conference." Along with this vacation, all members are to receive a raise. By "letting go" of employees essential to our company's success, every board member is ensured an eight-figure income.

6. Invest in a larger personal jet. Last year the fuel economy was suspiciously excellent. If a larger jet proves impossible, accidental flights and miscommunication will increase fuel consumption. The point is mute if a smart-ass from below notices we hire the highest earning pilot in the world. Extinguish him if he (or she) arises. It will probably be a "he".

5. A home for every season is not enough now. Even the somewhat elite have separate homes for all four seasons. The crème-de-le-crème have homes on every continent. Initiate building contracts for Australia and Africa. Put one on Greenland too just to say one is there. After initiation, turn a blind eye so that builders can freely exaggerate costs and time needed.

4. Have an affair. It's sufficiently evil to be associated with a corporate billionaire.

3. Discontinue transfer of "petty funds" to private stockholder in Stockholm. Remove him from being an asset by shipping him to Serbia. Redirect "petty funds" to private banker in Moscow. Demand that these funds be used for "extra-curricular activities" only i.e. strippers, drugs, alcohol.

2. Be more relaxed. Why so worried and high-strung? There's just no reason or explanation for it.

1. Remember this above all else: exploit the masses.