Top Ten New Years Resolutions for Chronic Resolution Breakers

Need to lose weight? Want to meet that special someone? Finish the Great American Novel? Well, it's that special time of the year when we all make those concrete resolutions to start off our New Year's right. This year, of course, will be different from all of the other years because this time you REALLY mean it. Yeah - I know the feeling. I haven't made New Year's Resolutions every year, but I sure have broken every single one of them that I did make along the way.

When should we stop kidding ourselves? Here are the ten top New Year's Resolutions for those of us who have the attention span of a hyperactive gerbil:

10. Eat whatever you want. There's leftover party food from New Year's Eve - so what are you gonna do? Throw it away? In this economy? Come on - just because the clam dip has been sitting out for 10 hours, it's probably still good.

9. Don't get up and exercise. It's been what - since Britney and Justin were still together that you used your gym membership? Be safe - you might hurt yourself.

8. Don't join a dating service. Judging from the last three mutants you met on those dating sites, you'd have better luck down at the parking lot of the recycling center. Plus - you could take in some aluminum cans, save the earth and make .45 cents to spend however you choose without a nagging partner telling you what to spend your money on.

7. Don't save any money. What if that killer meteor actually does hit the earth this year? Then you would have wasted all of that money. This way, you can buy electronic gadgets that will be outdated by next New Year's Eve, crappy DVD's no one but you wants to watch, and clothes that you will never fit into because you're eating clam dip and not exercising.

6. Don't try and help your fellow human being. What have they done for you lately?

5. Don't resolve to write/call/visit Mom, Dad or any other person you've been ignoring/avoiding/taking out restraining orders on. Did it ever occur to you that they might not want to talk to you either?

4. Don't worry about fixing up the house. With all of the foreclosures and the tough economy, it really is just bad form to have a showy house and mock your fellow homeowner. Better to just let it fall apart and blend.

3. Don't go on any exotic, longed-for vacations. It really just isn't safe to go anywhere these days anyway - so just use your vacation time to watch more crappy DVD's. After all, you aren't saving any money, so you'll have plenty to choose from.

2. Don't bother with the Great American Novel. I mean really - who reads anymore?

1. And if you haven't been paying attention to the gist of this whole diatribe, the number one New Years resolution for chronic resolution breakers is: DON'T make any New Years resolutions!

Don't you feel the pressure of starting the New Year with all of these overwhelming responsibilities just lift off of your shoulders? Don't rely on just one time of year to accomplish everything you want to do with your life, and then feel like a failure the minute you break one of your resolutions. How about we all resolve to live our lives to the best of our ability every day of the year? I don't know about you, but I do better with life when I deal with it in small doses, and not when it all comes crashing down on me at once. Have a Happy New Year, and quit kidding yourself - you know you are going to still eat chocolate.