Top Ten New Year's Resolutions for Rod Blagojevich

What would Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich's top ten New Year's resolutions for 2009 look like? I imagine his resolutions would resemble the following:

Resolution 1: Take better care of your hair

Aw, who are you kidding? There's no way you can improve on your luscious locks. It's probably why they arrested you. No one should have hair that looks this good.

Resolution 2: Try convincing Barack Obama to give you a spot on his administration

You've been getting some major press coverage lately! You've seen your face plastered everywhere: MSNBC, Fox News, CNN. Yeah, some of it's bad, you'll admit that. But you know what they say: bad press is better than no press. You're sure that your recent celebrity status can only help you. You could probably even ask Obama for money, telling him you're in demand, and if he wants your help, he better pay up.

Resolution 3: Call the phone company and get them to fix your phone lines

All of your phone lines have a strange humming sound on them. Sometimes, your voice even echoes. What the hell? You're the governor, dammit! You won't put up with such shoddy quality. If the phone company doesn't fix it for free, threaten to cut their funding. You're sure you can find public aid in their coffers somehow.

Resolution 4: Strengthen your political friendships

For some reason, your political buddies aren't speaking to you anymore. Even Daley won't return your calls. Odd. You wonder what their problem is.

Resolution 5: Demand money from those FBI fellows

You've had these people on your trail for years. They even wrote a 76-page dossier on you (you tried getting past the first page, but no compliments about you or no wizards = boring). The media went crazy over it. You're sure that they owe you money, since their report netted them so much attention.

Resolution 6: Buy more mirrors

You need to deck out the governor's office and your home with more mirrors. There have been occasions where you needed to comb your hair, but there were no mirrors in sight. It's a travesty. How can the people of Illinois respect the governor if his hair is not in tip-top form? It's only right that you dip into public funds to finance this important expense on behalf of Illinois.

Resolution 7: Buy more Elvis memorabilia

Elvis is awesome. Enough said.

Resolution 8: Buy book on Nixon presidency

Sarah Palin is right! There is a gotcha media! Before the whole "arresting incident," the media was laughing at you for talking about Nixon and how he was recorded in secret. They get so caught up in technicalities. Blah, blah, blah, Nixon taped himself. Blah, blah, blah, you can't sell the Senate seat.

You tried calling Palin, but she wouldn't talk to you either. Dammit, you really need to get your phones fixed! You never knew how much the humming annoyed people. In the meantime, find out how Nixon handled his little "scandal."

Resolution 9: Firmly tell "well-wishers" that no, you don't need a therapist

You've had a disturbing number of individuals approach you and hint that you need a therapist. Well, maybe your self-esteem may need a boost from time to time, but you're pretty sure you're perfect. You don't need any help.

Resolution 10: Get Patti to cut down on her swearing

Damn, her swearing has been getting out of control lately. Gently remind her that she needs to cut down on the swears. Jesus, what's her ****ing problem, anyway? Probably all this ****ing media attention. Tell the newspapers to back the **** off her, while she tries to work on her ****ing problem. Otherwise, you'll get them all ****ing fired.