Top Things Not to Say or Do to Avoid Ruining Your Thanksgiving Gathering

At some point in my life it fell to me to host Thanksgiving more often than not for my extended family. I'm not sure if I was tricked by the infamous "everyone who doesn't want to host Thanksgiving next year, please take one step back" during the annual sack race, or if I just drank too much one year and couldn't sufficiently follow the conversation about who was hosting next year. However it came to be, I now more often than not have 20-25 or more people gathered for the family holiday in my home. And I love it. It's a science this hosting thing - clean for six days straight, cook for two days straight, and then repeat cleaning for six days, stopping midway to replace wine stained carpeting. And while getting through the actual day can be stressful, it helps if you put rum in a lot of the desserts or raise a glass of wine (or seven) in Jesus' name. But even if you get through the festivities as I generally do, pretty much stone cold sober, you can survive holidays as your family grows by staying decidedly within the lines of safe conversation, safe entertainment and discretion over disclosure, every time.

There are things you can do on the spur of a moment, which cannot be undone for quite some time, and which almost invariably lead to recriminations, over-eating, slamming of doors, too much imbibing and hurt feelings with too many guests dashing out into the cold to get into their cars long before you'd planned the evening to end. Think your words, actions and antics through. Carefully. Your family only really all get together on this one day a year. You know you will all be eating. You know there will be children present. You know no matter how unfortunate the outfits people are wearing, they were likely chosen with care. You know some people have put on weight. Some are losing hair. Some have done poorly with their spousal and child-rearing choices. You know these things, and yet as much as you might want to share your wisdom or opinions, the little voice inside of you reminds you today is not the day. Listen to that little voice, even if it isn't as loud as all the other voices screaming inside your head every time you get together with family.

For example, it's just accepted 21st century decorum at this point that Thanksgiving is NOT the day to come out to your family. In this day and age you have 364 other choices, all of which are good, and even a half page ad in the New York Times is a better alternative even if you feel Thanksgiving is your one chance to have everyone assembled and get this over with in one fell swoop. Honestly, that is why God invented email and text messaging. If ever there was a time for passive aggression - it is the holidays. You have to trust that your family loves you just as you are for who you are, and you really don't need to test that on Thanksgiving. It won't end well. It never does.

Similarly, only those already wed should choose Thanksgiving as the day to announce impending births or 'surprise' pregnancies, especially if one's partner is also at the event and does not yet know. The last thing one wants is your father's hands around your jobless boyfriend's neck atop the centerpiece, while your mother cries loudly that baby or no baby you are NOT marrying into a family that parks all of their running vehicles on the front lawn and keeps all of the non-operational ones in the side yard for spare parts and midnight nookie.

Also, do not choose Thanksgiving as the day you finally confess all the pent up guilt over that affair with your sister in law. Her family is gathered too. And, your brother is bigger than you. And let''s face it, mom amd pops will have to be dividing their time between your two houses for the duration if you let this spill, so keep it to yourself and clean your act up on your own time.

If you leave the table to answer the front door and a woman is standing there saying your sister's new boyfriend is actually HER husband, just shut the door. Shut the door. Yes, maybe your sister should have expected that at this time every year her boyfriend needs to be with his wife and kids, but that is her short-sightedness and the whole family shouldn't have to suffer. If the woman keeps knocking, answer the door again and speak Serbo Croatian to her, shaking your head and shrugging your shoulders.as you end with a heavily accented version of "No English" before shutting the door again.

Often on Thanksgiving you are meeting some members of your spouses or your boyfriend's, your college roomate's or your lesbian life partner's family for the first time. Keep the tasteless stage whispered questions to a minimum. Yes, that is a perfectly natural growth coming out of Aunt Fanny's neck and if you live to be ninety-seven, you may get one too. Uncle Walter DOES have issues with dairy, but breathe through your mouth and you'll be okay sitting next to him during the meal. Yes, quite obviously meditarraneans like us aren't as hung up on facial and body hair removal as your family is, and thanks so much for bringing it up during the prayer. No, Aunt Pattie's children are not adopted, they are bi-racial, and the large black man at the end of the table is not our faithful family retainer as your constant requests to him to 'fetch you some brandy' indicate you believe, but is Pattie's husband, an Episcopal priest. And finally, yes, cousin Sue, Mark and Randall are indeed 'catches', but please take your hand off Randall's thigh as he has already been 'caught', by Mark.

Now, we're all curious about the sources of our various rashes, boils and lesions, but no one in your family wants to see and attempt to diagnose these for you today. Keep all of your clothes on, cover up any diseased flesh, wash your hands throughout the day, and if you've had a recent surgery, remember that we all have scars and imperfections but after a large meal we'd all really rather play charades than show and tell. If God wanted us to show off the scars from our gall bladder or hernia surgeries, he wouldn't have invented the constricting, fussy outfits we tend to wear at holidays.

And, as to the actual meal - Tofurkey is not something you spring on your extended family of carnivores as a surprise due to your recent health kick either. Vegans can survive on vegetables, salad and dairy free pumpkin pie, we always have, but Uncle Lou and Aunt Sadie are expecting Tom Turkey and sausage stuffing, and you don't want to spring something like Tofurkey on them when they haven't eaten since dawn and are wielding forks and knives.

Also, for those with dietary restrictions or religious preferences, it is NEVER funny to end a supposedly kosher Thanksgiving with the phrase - "See, you didn't taste the pork at all!" And, no matter hos suspicious cousin Betty's 'potato surprise' appears, if you take a bite of it, swallow - it looks even worse coming out of your mouth than it did in the serving dish.

And, there may be more of your family to love this year, but cut the pies in the same number of slices and serve everyone the same sized pieces unless they ask for something smaller (or, as is most often the case, something larger). Nothing gets a brawl going more than a microscopic piece of mince meat pie handed over to sister Sue with the always thoughtful comment about you just assuming she was cutting down due to the sprouting of her ample ass. Similarly, you may be a fan of mashed potatoes, but so are the sixteen other people at the table, so do not put them ALL on your plate as the serving dish goes by, the object of the day is SHARING a meal with loved ones..

And alcohol. Let's face it, even those of us who teetotal most of the year need a nip at some point on the big day. Maybe it's because your mother came into the kitchen and inquired about getting you a vacuum for Christmas, and when you advised her you already owned one, she surveyed your family room shrugged and said, "Really, I'd never have guessed." Maybe it's because your husband is drinking and has begun to pepper his too loud conversations with your brothers in law with too many expletives and too many references to how hot you 'used to look when we first met'. Maybe it's because your sister Claire, who was bringing the three main side dishes, neglected to actually cook them before arriving and is using up all of your burners and cramming casserole dishes into the oven next to the turkey as she turns the heat down and you have to run through your head new cooking calculations to ensure your bird does not trigger a major food poisoning outbreak. You may wish to disappear into a bottle, any bottle. But, keep yourself in check, hosts and guests alike. Throughout the day bite your lower lip, if it begins to bleed and you still feel nothing, put down that martini. Count the number of relatives you've kissed on the mouth, if it numbers more than your own spouse, put down the beer. Everyone knows you love them, but if you've told EVERYONE how much you love them more than once, switch to bottled water. And it's likely you've overindulged if your find yourself in flagrante delecto with your signficiant other on your parents' floral comforter in a room redolent of tea rose and Ben Gay. No one wants to walk in on that because they've had to use the master bathroom due to the clog in the guest bath, least of all, either of your parents, or, God forbid, granny.

And teens and twentysomethings, no pot. You think you don't reek, but you do. You think you are just following the conversation, but in fact you have mentioned the wierd cult behind the secret pictures on US currency and your immersion into Carlos Casteneda's "Journey to Ixtlan" six times each just during the passing of side dishes. We all know you are stoned. Your parents are getting seriously killing glares, and Uncle Nunzio is quite worried you will snarf down all the leftovers while he is still napping away the first course. And Great Aunt Mabel has politely reminded you three times now that she prefers you not call her 'Dude". No pot. Wait till you get back to your dorm or your friend's mom's basement.

Finally, if a time has been set for the meal to be served, it is not negotiable. You may be watching a great game at your own house, you may be playing a righteous new version of SIMs, or you may simply be thoughtless and careless about time, but if the sit down time is 3 p.m., you arrive at least fifteen minutes early, or when the host has decided to open his or her doors to you. They don't want you at the crack of dawn when their hands are still halfway up the turkey's wazoo so you all can enjoy that 'from the bird' stuffing flavor, and they don't want you arriving at 4 to a table filled with surly, malnourished relatives sitting over a dried out bird and gelled gravy. And, when the meal is over, the dessert settling into everyone's digestive systems and you walk by the kitchen and see all those dozens of plates and serving pieces and pots lining the counters and your host enjoying a steam bath as she gamely rinses and loads, rinses and loads, offer to help. Nothing kills a party mood quicker than seventeen able bodied people huddled before a TV screen, out on the porch smoking, or napping in the new barcaloungers while one or two people clean EVERYTHING up. Even if you're insincere, even if they turn you away, even if you're not sure how exactly to wash a dish or clear a table, offer. The worst that can happen is you burn a few of the thousands of calories you've consumed today doing unfamiliar manual labor alongside relatives you scarcely speak to in normal circumstances.

If you keep all of this in mind, and all of your relatives and all of your relatives and guests do as well, you will likely have that rarest of birds, an uneventful and yet memorable Thanksgiving. Here's hoping you get the bigger half of the wishbone...