Top Three Celebrities Who Should Never Be Moms

You see them on TV. You read about their exploits in the tabloids. They're celebrities, and yes, they're different from you and me.

Sometimes these differences are a wonder to behold. Stars can be charismatic, and the way they command attention in a room is nothing short of amazing. With the help of an expert team of stylists, makeup artists, fitness trainers and plastic surgeons, they are often able to achieve an otherworldly beauty that mere mortals can only dream of.

But sometimes these differences are dark. Sinister. The excessive promiscuity. The endless late night partying, fueled by lines of cocaine. The eating disorders. Make no mistake, friends, celebrities are often flawed. The question is, are these flaws significant enough to cast a shadow on their ability to serve as good parents? One could certainly make a strong case to support that point.

Babies are all the rage in Hollywood, with everyone from Angelina Jolie to Britney Spears giving birth. But they're not for everybody. Here are my picks for the top three celebrities who should never be moms:

Celebrity: Paris Hilton

Background: Paris Hilton is widely reviled as being the epitome of modern skankitude and ineptness, but people don't give her enough credit. Take a closer look and you'll see that she's managed to accomplish quite a lot in her 25 years.

Paris was born into incredible wealth. Her great-grandfather is Conrad Hilton, founder of the Hilton line of hotels, and her family is heir to a fortune estimated at $300 million. But did this little rich girl loll about idly on her piles of cash, waiting for mommy and daddy to give her another handout? Not our Paris. The hard-working heiress set out to grow her riches by starring in a "leaked" sex tape. Celebrity followed, and soon the remarkably inarticulate blonde was being paid to mumble incoherently at parties and endorse hamburgers.

Why She Shouldn't Be a Mom: In a rare moment of introspection, Paris Hilton was once quoted as saying "I don't really think, I just walk." A child deserves a parent who's a thinker, not just a walker; it's their natural-born right. For this reason, Paris Hilton should be banned from motherhood forever.

Celebrity: Lindsay Lohan

Background: Lindsay's career began innocently enough. The 20 year-old entered the public eye as the fresh-faced youngster in wholesome Disney flicks like The Parent Trap and Freaky Friday. With her smattering of freckles and shiny red hair, the actress was a poster child for clean, family entertainment. But then she hit 18, and things took a grim turn.

Suddenly, Lindsay the party girl reared her ugly head. She was out shaking her groove thing every night, and there was a wealth of photos in tabloids and on the Internet to prove it. She gained weight. Then lost weight. Went through a string of boyfriends and haircolors. Suffered a host of avidly photographed nipple slips. And then there were the rumors of drug abuse. The media took to calling her "Blohan" due to her reputed fondness for cocaine.

Why She Shouldn't Be a Mom: If the rumors are true, Lindsay's done so much coke, her kid would be born high with a nosebleed. It would be a horrible burden for a little one to bear.

Celebrity: Nicole Richie

Background: Nicole is the adopted daughter of singer Lionel Richie, formerly of the Commodores and singer of such cheesy but irresistible solo hits as "Lady" and "All Night Long." She went to school with Paris Hilton, and the two exploited the hell out of their friendship by starring together on a reality show, The Simple Life. However, these two best buds had a nasty falling-out and became mortal enemies.

These days, Nicole is perhaps most famous for her weight, or lack thereof. She was chunky and voluptuous when she made her debut on The Simple Life, but as her star rose, her weight fell. That's Hollywood. Soon Nicole was down to a reported 87 pounds, amidst rumors of anorexia. She used her newly skeletal frame to become somewhat of a fashion icon, serving as a muse to designers like Karl Lagerfeld and logging numerous appearances in a host of fashion magazines. Recent reports have the twiglike starlet entering a treatment program for her condition. She has also mended bridges with longtime frenemy Paris.

Why She Shouldn't Be a Mom: Nicole is so tiny, her baby would probably weigh more than she does. And then she'd call the kid fat, and give the hapless tyke a complex. Not good.