Total Eclipse of Any Substance

As all of you with internet access knows, the third Twilight movie, Eclipse, came out. The usual suspects are back; Bella (Kristen Stewart), Edward (Robert Pattinson), Jacob (Taylor Lautner), and the rest of the vampires and werewolves and everything in between. While this is in fact the best of the three Twilight movies that are already out, it is still one of the worst movies that has come out in the past decade. Too many characters, too much plot, and not enough substance is only the surface of this train wreck, which still manages to be better then the last two films.

The movie opens with a guy walking in the pouring rain when he is suddenly attacked by something. He see's that his hand has bite wounds, and then we are treated to about 2 minutes of him moaning and crying and attempting to act like he's in pain. Then we cut to Bella and Edward in a field. A sunny field. And sure as heck, he is twinkling. Bella is studying for her finals, and Edward is laying there smelling her hair. While it would be romantic, it just looks contrived and really creepy. Eventually he asks her to marry him, and she brushes him off. Guys, please take note. Asking a girl to marry you while she's studying for her high school finals is not a good idea.

Then Bella winds up in Florida where she says goodbye to her mom who just can't seem to make it to her own daughters graduation, even though she has a beach front house. At this point I mentally checked out. I can't for the life of me tell you what happened. There were too many cut scenes, too many characters, and too much plot. Bella is in danger! Bella is in love with two deadly beings! Oh my God where did all of these "baby" vampires come from?! Before you're given a chance to really care one way or another about any of the new characters, they are killed off within a half an hour.

Plot wise, I really don't know what went on. There was a lot in this movie, and the above paragraphs pretty much sum up how the movie will feel to anyone who is not on the Twilight bandwagon. At it's core, the movie is about abstinence. Despite the "sexual tension" between Edward and Bella (there is none) he does little more then kiss her a few times. In a sense I can feel for Bella. The movie does the same to the viewer. We get maybe 10 minutes of a pretty good fight at the end, but that's it. The characters themselves are also devoid of any real personality. Aside from being in love with Edward, I couldn't tell you anything else about Bella. I don't know what she likes to do other than obsess over Edward. The same can be said for the rest of the cast, who's very lives depend on Bella either staying around or keeping some "horrible" secret. For someone who apparently has everyone eating out of her hand, we know nothing about her.

For a third installment of a franchise, I should know what the three main characters enjoy. The only character who has any real development is the werewolf, Jacob. Aside from trying to persuade Bella to spend the rest of her life with him, he enjoys fixing cars or motorcycles. He also seems to actually give a hoot about Bella and her family (and friends), even though he knows she will never love him the way he loves her. Edward is just as barren as Bella, which is a shame. For a guy who's been around for nearly 100 years, you would think he would show interest in something other than Bella. I recall him playing piano in the first movie. Maybe we could expand on Edward attempting to have a career as a pianist somwehere.

On a superficial note about this film, the hair and makeup are God awful. Bella had on a different wig in almost every single scene, even if it was just a cut from her being outside to being indoors. The wig was constantly changed. You can tell, and it looks like a wig too. I realize Stewart cut her hair in order to play Joan Jett for another movie, but surely this juggernaut of a franchise could have afforded better wigs. It wasn't just her, either. All of the Cullen cove sans Edward had it even worse. Carlisle, the father figure in the cove, had the silliest blonde wig I have ever seen. And his pale face makeup was even worse. It was distracting how bad it was.

On a very positive ending note, this was the best Twilight movie so far, thanks to the director, David Slade (Hard Candy) and cast. The acting improved for everyone in the cast, Stewart especially. She wasn't blinking or stumbling over all of her lines this time. She sounded like she was trying to care, and it did show. Lautner and Pattinson were also better, but they still looked bored through majority of the film. Don't worry boys, you aren't alone.