Totally Gross

When it comes to food prep, no one would mistake me for a gourmet chef. I mean I can find my way around a kitchen, even prepare a nice meal or two if needed; but if my life hung in the balance, I still couldn't tell you the difference between broccoli and Gai-lohn nor when to use a Dutch oven instead of a stock pot. Most times, if a recipe involves more than a quarter turn in a microwave oven, I'm on to something else.

That said, when I do take the time to prepare a meal, I am conscious of how it looks and of course, how healthy it is. So, I was knocked flat-footed by a relatively new phenomenon sweeping across the good ol' U.S. of A. called the "Gross Food Movement."

This trend, supported by websites such as ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com, sports foods such as the Monster Sandwich Pie, which includes half a roast ham and half a roast turkey, a tub of sour cream, a tub of cream cheese, and a full pound of cheddar and Swiss cheeses, all stuffed inside a King's Hawaiian round bread loaf. As near as I can calculate, this "sandwich" tops the scales at around 12,000 calories - enough to fuel the average body for the better part of a week. No need to wait all those days to get your energy needs; in our rush-rush, gotta-have-it-quickly society; you can carb-load to a brand new level and consume everything you need (and a lot of what you don't) in one meal. (Antacids available separately.)

Looking for something to help wind down at the end of a hard day clogging your arteries with Monster Pies? How about the McNuggetini? This festive drink (?) consists of a chocolate milkshake mixed with vodka, rimmed with barbeque sauce, and garnished with half a chicken nugget. "Hey bar-keep! Gimme a double will ya?"

Finally, for dessert, how 'bout a Hot Beef Sundae? Yep, mashed potatoes smothered in brown gravy and cheddar cheese, with a cherry tomato on top. Please, no whipped cream, I'm on a diet.

Some might say the Gross Food Movement (if one can even move after eating such foods) is a playful, fun, fat-laden, extremely greasy, hyper-caloric backlash to the "obsession" we have with healthy eating. They might be right.

Others might say that it's just, well, gross.

I know I am about to come across to some as a stick in the mud. That said, maybe it's my upbringing; maybe it's years of watching my weight (or maybe it's just looking at the photos of the concoctions I described); but I find the whole thing to be extremely wasteful and somewhat sad. Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating food police be established or that new laws and regulations be enacted to restrict such culinary catastrophes; I am just expressing an opinion. In a world where half the population is desperately trying to scrape together enough food to make it through the night, our society is so affluent that we have competitive eating contests and recipe books containing Bacon-Wrapped Pigs In A Blanket Wrapped In Bacon.

If someone wants to cook up an Upside Down Mac & Cheese Pizza (a layer of macaroni and cheese sandwiched between two cheese pizzas), I won't stand in the way. But at the same time, especially this time of year, it would be nice to stop by a shelter and help feed those who would be thankful for what we throw away.