Tough Love and Adult Children

Launching a young adult from the home may take some tough love. To continue to force-feed an adult child who needs to feed himself or herself, only enables the child to depend upon handouts. Because parents don't want to see their kids fail or get hurt parents continue to intervene with financial help. But this intervention may not be what's best for a dependant adult child; here's why.

Young Adult Perspective

An adult child who knows that mom or dad will always be there to pick up the bill is an adult who loses the motivation to work for a living and pursue personal dreams that require effort and persistence. Work is work. Study and preparation take work. It's so much easier to do nothing or quit, especially if there is no need to be accountable. Mom or dad will always pick up the pieces.

It's true; moms and dads do pick up the pieces of shattered dreams, and they soften the blows of a dog-eat-dog world. But there is a difference between picking up the pieces and carrying the whole puzzle. It's comforting for an adult child to know that no matter what happens, mom or dad will be there. There's a back-up plan and a net beneath. But a back-up plan, essentially, is a secondary route. That means there has to be a primary plan, a primary goal or route.

Parental Perspective

Launching a young adult without a job, without goals, and without skills into a world with a tough job market, is like launching bait into a tank of sharks. But where there's a strong-willed child, one who's determined to go his or her own way using a parent's resources--but not determined to be accountable--that adult child has some lessons to learn. Eventually, the young adult will discover that the old folks aren't so dense after all, and there's no such thing as a free ride. He or she will earn some bruises, but in the process will learn that dreams cost money and personal time and effort must be exchanged for that money.

Employment Perspective

Tough love sometimes means letting adult kids sink or swim. It sometimes means pulling the financial rug out from underneath--especially when they disengage and fail to be productive. An employee who fails to produce is quickly let go. The same ought to go for the funding of an adult child who has little motivation to find work or get skills needed for employment. Furthermore, an adult child who can't pass a work-related drug test or who can't contain his or her speech or behavior to protect a job, may actually need more tough love and less parental funding.

What parent wants to be supporting a 30 year old kid? It's one thing for a young adult to be working as hard as he or she can to find work, to volunteer, or to gain skills or certification needed for employment, but it's an entirely different thing to be living off the folks or the system--sleeping in past noon, partying at leisure, and minimally making application for employment.

To be actively looking for work takes as much or more effort, than it takes to actually do a job. It might take 200 applications and 30 interviews to land a job, but doing the preparation usually lands a job. Not doing it, perpetuates joblessness and dependence.

Accountability or Tough Love

There may come a day when a parent must say, "I'm sorry. There's no more money." If the parent has given fair warning of 3-6 months, has offered advice and financial support to go with that advice, but the young adult has not been accountable, then the parent should not feel guilt when tough love is required.

Sometimes lack of accountability on the part of an adult child has nothing to do with the job market or lack of employable skills. It may actually have more to do with an addiction that could be robbing the adult child of motivation, opportunity, and freedom.

Tough love hurts the parent as much or more than the child. Parents want to give to their kids--even though kids may not always show gratitude, express thanks, or use the gift wisely. It's the nature of a parent to be giving. But there comes a day when a baby bird gets too big for the nest. If it won't take off on its own, the bird may have to be bumped out of the nest to face decision. It will need to choose flight or risk falling. Chances are the bird will fly--but if not, that bird will get one big wake up call and some much needed motivation.