Tough Love Letter to Black Women Who Hate when Black Men Are in Interracial Dating Relationships
When I got to Ne-Yo, I stopped, paused and wondered how credible this list was. The question was whether sisters are driving brothers away. However, I distinctly recall R&B artist Ne-Yo clearly state on "The Tyra Banks Show," at 3:44, "I have a slight weakness for chocolate. I like my chocolate sistas...There's just something about the chocolate that just do it for me" when talking about how he chooses brown-skinned women for his music videos. Clearly he's not running away from African-American women. But if he was, would he be wrong? Are any of these men wrong?
There's a scene in my favorite movie, "Higher Learning," that I automatically recalled while looking at AFieldNegro.com. Malik and Deja were walking off the track field and looking down at Morris Chestnut's character leaning against a car with a blonde woman. Chestnut was talking about how he loved her hair, her lips and her eyes:
Malik Williams (played by Omar Epps): Look at this fool with his cave b**ch. Damn shame, man. Eh, don't that make you upset as a black woman?
Deja (played by Tyra Banks): I don't want him.
Malik Williams: Yeah, I can dig that.
My sentiments exactly. As much as I love to see African-American couples caking it up (ex. the fictional Huxtables, my own grandparents, parents, my brother and his wife, the oh-so-wonderful Obama family), I can't fathom getting mad at seeing an interracial couple just as in love.
I hear some African-American women, some of which I meet on occasion, have been friends with or grew up with, consistently talk about how black men "leave black women" for white women or Asian women. But the last time I checked the Thirteenth Amendment passed, and no woman, black or white, has any ownership over any other man. The only time she comes close is when she's his mother. Other than that, that brotha is entitled to date whomever he chooses.
I am aware of the history of black women, especially those who were dark-skinned, being ridiculed for complexion in previous decades, and the history of rape accusations when black men were caught dating white women. A lot of that anger from black women who don't want black men to date outside of the African-American community is because of that same history. Society dealt quite a blow to sistas who were treated as lesser than in the dating pool and white women were treated as trophies. This dark past contributed to the anti-attitude of interracial dating.
That and the attitude that black women tend to prefer to date black men and are less likely to date outside of the African-American community. But the hostility towards black men who date white, Asian and Latina women is out of control. Hill Harper's book, "The Conversation: How Black Men and Black Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships," gave a perfect example of how he was reprimanded about having a white woman meet him at a restaurant without even getting the full story. The entire chapter on interracial dating was embarrassingly realistic. Just because black women are more likely to date someone of our own race, why should all black men be required to do the same? Doesn't he have a right to choose just like some of us may choose to date someone of our own race?
I keep hearing the rationale that black women "held it down" for black men so they should feel obligated to date black women. Sistas, please. Some of you didn't even know this dude before you rolled your eyes in the top of your head while seeing him with a white woman. You don't even know his name but you're throwing out all kinds of attitude. Why is it so hard to believe that a brotha (famous or not) could fall in love with a woman of another race like he could with a black woman? Just because you turn your heart off doesn't mean he has to. Yes, there's some brainwashing going on about what features look better, but why would you even want to humor somebody who does not think your physical features are attractive? Let that guy go. His loss. Not yours.
However, rappers like Lil' Wayne surely don't help when spitting color struck lyrics like, "I like a long-haired, thick redbone" in the song "Every Girl." He caught some heat for that song, but he clearly loves brown-skinned sisters too because Toya (of VH1's "The Tiny & Toya Show" is a chocolate brown complexion, his high school sweetheart, the mother of his first child and his ex-wife).
Producer Polow da Don saying "white women are easier to get along" also get the anti-interracial dating crew even more frazzled. And in the past couple of weeks, I've heard all of these arguments about Tiger Woods not having mistresses who are black and questioning why he didn't marry a black woman, and I'm rolling my eyes. The people who spend such a ridiculous amount of time worried about who Tiger Woods dated and married should dedicate that kind of energy to their own relationships and stop worrying about celebrities. No matter who Tiger Woods cheats on or marries, his purpose is to play golf, not be your ideal biracial man. Frankly, I really don't care who he dates, who he cheated on or who he's married to. Why? Because I don't want him.
Instead of worrying about black men who prefer to date Asian, Latina or white women, consider the fact that they may just be open-minded in terms of dating and like to date all sorts of women. Remember, Terrell Owens who is notorious for dating white women, also was smitten with a brown-skinned (and beautiful) African-American model on VH1's "The T.O. Show."
But more importantly, never put so much energy into a person who is not interested in you. Instead of worrying about who some random black man is not dating, put that kind of passion into the person you are dating. Instead of worrying about black men who are not attracted to black women, check out the plethora of brothers who prefer to date black women. Instead of reprimanding a random black man with a non-black woman on his arm, walk on by and focus on your potential or current relationship with your own black man.
Published by Shamontiel
Shamontiel is the author of Round Trip and Change for a Twenty, and in mid-October became the Chicago Tribune s Digital News Editor. She works on National Travel, Health and occasionally Breaking News, and w... View profile
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106 Comments
Post a CommentLove should not be restricted by colors. When someone is purchasing a clothe, he or she has different taste so it is with love.
Angie
Brittney, interesting timing. I just rented "Something New" from Netflix. I remember seeing this film a few years back and I couldn't get into it. I watched it again six years later and I love it now. I think it just took some professional and personal growth on my end to get it. I actually hope that the women who hate this article will do that, too. I just can't fathom the idea of not dating someone because somebody else doesn't approve. I could give less than a damn what somebody ELSE thinks of MY relationships. I'm glad you're open to that, too. Thanks for reading.
Shamontiel I loved reading this article. I hope that one day soon Interracial Dating won't be as much of a problem as it is now. I personally tend to be attracted to asians, but when i break it down i like all the colors under the sun. In my short life time i've had a crush on just about every racial group there is and it sucks to know that if the guy isn't black people look think differently of me or send dirty looks.
Love don't know no color.
2) married/involved women who have absolutely no business worrying about anybody's relationship. Wait, I take that back. I don't even get single women who aren't dating the guy because just because you're single doesn't mean that guy will want that woman anyway. *shrug* In my opinion, everybody should be happy with whomever makes that person happy, and it's really none of my business what that person looks like. Happy Valentine's Day, readers! *smile*
Colleen Serra, thanks for reading. Interesting you should leave a comment on Valentine's Day when all I'm seeing on message boards is people arguing about how stupid the holiday is and leaving bitter messages about not having a valentine. I swear misery loves company. It makes me cringe and avoid the folks who are determined to be unhappy. Anyway, I agree with you, but then again I was raised in a household that was way more open-minded about relationships. However, as far as people being unhappy with their own lives, I agree and disagree. One of the people who I argued with the most about this topic had been married for a few decades to a Bohemian man (both black), but she made it her business to get mad every single time she saw an interracial couple. For single women, I can understand the selfish reasoning that that could've been someone they'd date. The two groups I don't understand are single women who: 1) aren't even interested in the guy in question 2) ma
Wow,
The many posts are just as interesting as the article. Thank you for sharing, Shamontiel. I actually like the sentiments in your piece. Thankfully, I was raised to be respectful and appreciative of all different races and cultures, so I've always had a difficult time understanding why men and women, black or white (or any color) have to set parameters on whom they will or will not consider for a romantic partner. Why not be open to seeing just who comes along in your life and attracts you by their inner beauty? You just might be surprised who that one turns out to be. Additionally, I've often observed that those who are carrying around such anger regarding such a trivial (in my opinion) matter, have been those who are very unhappy with themselves and are projecting those feelings onto others.
QueenSize, I looked on my calendar from February to December, and I just don't see the "give a damn" post-it anywhere on there, so I guess that means I'm not losing any sleep over you not being impressed. All sarcasm aside though, if you think it's "wack" to not sit around complaining about men you don't know dating women you don't know and worrying about someone else's relationship instead of your own, THAT's what's wack, not the article. I hope in time you learn that.
Not impressed. Wack article.
Awesome article, as always! I think that centuries of patriarchy and oppression still taint our perceptions of interracial relationships, especially when they involve a black woman and a white man. Historically, white men have been the oppressors of both women and minority races, so it seems like those scars can still alter the way people feel when they are in these relationships. Throw in cultural differences and the fact that we have a sexist, racist beauty standard-- and mixed-race relationships end up stirring all kinds of sensitive issues. I only hope that we get to the point that race becomes TRULY immaterial. In time, I think that old wounds will heal and we'll all be able to accept love when we find it, regardless of what color it happens to be.
(cont.) By the way, sorry about the mistake with who you are dating. Whether the guys are white, Latino, or whatever, the fact remains you should be able to date who you want to. I'm not going to sympathize with people being hostile about things that are not their business. And again (now I feel like a broken record), this entry sparked after seeing countless instances over the years from women I knew personally as well as just being in movie theaters with black women yelling at the screen every single time there was a black man with a white woman. If we spent more time minding our own business and stop worrying about the color of who's dating who, we'd save ourselves a lot of stress. I have NEVER seen or heard a brotha say something snide about a black woman with a white guy. I'm not saying it doesn't happen. I'm just saying I don't see it, but I repeatedly have seen black women do it. THAT'S why this entry is geared to them. Good luck with whoever you end up. Peace.