Tough Love Makes a Comeback for Parents

Imagine this. Your son comes home from school complaining of being tired due to over work. He comments he has a headache and wants to go to bed early so he'll be ready for the mid term quizzes he has scheduled for the next day. You urge him to take a couple Tylenol, feel his forehead for fever, offer an icepack and chilled drink and agree sleep would be a good idea. Then a few hours later you decide your son should eat something to keep up his strength and you journey to his bedroom. There you discover to your dismay not your son ill in bed with a headache but rather a note that states, "I'm sorry. I know I broke the rules but I had to go. I'll be back soon." in his place. Frantic with worry you call every friend you know having no idea what so ever as to where your son is. Finally you admit to yourself you cannot find him, he has too big of a head start and he'll most likely (you hope) come home when he's good and ready. Almost 5 hours pass and you hear him enter the house. Speaking in a surprisingly calm tone of voice you ask him where he's been and what he's been doing. Instead of replying in kind, he becomes defensive and states" This is why I never tell you anything" and stomps off to his room. You are dumbfounded and have no idea what to do.

Now comes the time when "tough love" comes into play. According to Wikipedia.com

"Tough love is an expression used when someone treats another person harshly or sternly with the intent to help them in the long run.

In most uses, there must be some actual love or feeling of affection behind the harsh or stern treatment to be defined as tough love."

Now this statement seems perfect when it comes to the teen in question. All other avenues have been tried, counseling, intervention with religious leaders, discussions about acceptable/unacceptable behavior and even good old fashioned grounding. But as to date, nothing has proven successful.

Tough love when administered correctly (with the emphasis on LOVE and not on TOUGH) can well be the way to get the attention of the wayward teen, teach a life lesson and perhaps save said teen from future problems which as the teen grows older will become more and more easily fallen prey to.

When a parent or guardian has simply had enough of a teens behavior it is time not to react but to act. And with tough love administered with the right balance of love and strength on the part of the adult, teens can and have been proven to come around and change their attitudes with behavior falling into place naturally.

Oftentimes tough love will necessitate the removal of the child from his/her parental home and placed in a treatment facility in order to "get the child's attention" and help heal from within the problems which have become uncontrollable. When this is the case, parents must think long and hard, do research on available facilities and make a choice that will be best not just for the child but for the entire family as well. For when a child is acting out to the degree that he/she is harming the cohesiveness of the family unit, it is time to step back and let another route be taken with the child.

One of the first steps in making the tough love choice is to read up on the subject and how different aspects of your childs actions pertain to your family. One place to find a wonderful list of books on a variety of subjects is helpyourteens.com. Helpyourteens.com is a site whose mission statement is as simple as it's name. It wants to "help your kids" just as you do. Some examples of books focusing on tough love include Toughlove by Phyllis York and Ted Wachtel, and The Toughlove Prescription by Ron Zodkevitch, M.D.

Tough love can be as simple as stepping back from your child's behavior letting he/she take full responsibility for his/her actions. This is oftentimes the hardest choice a parent can make as most parents want to "fix things" for their children and give them a happy, calm existence. But when a child is in the throes of a rebellion that parents cannot pierce, it is time for a change and oftentimes tough love is the only option left. In stepping back and letting your child take responsibility for their actions, you are in fact telling your child "while I love you and will stand by you I will not stand by your actions. Whatever you do from this point forward is your responsibility and yours alone. I will not intervene. I will not rescue you and I will not save you from punishment." By making that statement (and some parents find it must be said to be taken seriously while others imply said statement) you are giving your child the power over his or her actions and the resulting punishment they might receive should those actions break rules or laws.

Oftentimes this is the hardest part of tough love and the part where parents want to step back in and take control. This is where parents must dig deep and find some toughness of their own and not get involved unless the child's physical or emotional well-being is in danger.

Born in the 1980's some 20 some odd years ago, tough love is seeing a comeback in not only familial settings but in structured environments as well. And while some tough love camps have received bad press as of late with sites such as abcnews.com, Time.com and even the Washington post weighing in on the subject, for many tough love is the only option left for them and their truant teen.

For more information on tough love, camps which offer the program and other resources for families, please contact your local mental health agency or physician for options in your area. And remember, while "Tough love while may not be a viable option for every family, for some it is the answer to a prayer. And when administered correctly can mark the difference between an irresponsible teen and a responsible adult.