Toxic People

Is the phrase "Toxic People" just another psychobabble gleaned from some television show?

While we do hear it there on our t.v.'s, it is also a phrase that contains 100% accuracy. Toxic people, like Toxic Waste, ruin our health and undermine our lives. If we could tattoo a Hazardous Waste sign on their foreheads, at least we would be warned.

Speaking for myself, I am a real target for these people. And they come in both sexes, by the way, so man-haters, give me a break.

I am a timid person in many ways, despise confrontation and will always try to please another person in my life, no matter their position. After a disastrous childhood and a marriage with brutal domestic violence, I have gone to therapy, and taught myself the not-pretty truths about myself.

What is a toxic person? They can be anyone whom you allow to dictate to you how your life must be laid out. That can be a controlling husband, a nasty mother-in-law or a boss who steps over the line.

So, what's the big deal you say? In people with certain types of personalities or personality flaws, toxic can destroy. It can eat away at your core until there is nothing left but a few bloody shreds.

How about that boss who knows you have children to pick up after school, but insists you stay late to finish just one more 'little' thing. He or she makes sure you realize your job is in jeopardy if you do not comply. Then your spouse is outraged, your daycare provider is sick of the last minute calls and you are sick - really sick. You may have vomiting, anxiety or a number of reactions.

Or that pastor at church, who knows you are caring for your ailing parents, but guilts you into taking on this project or that. These people do not care about you. To them you are a hard worker and they want their work done. You never stand up for yourself, so the abuse goes on. This applies to men and women.

I have discovered something interesting about myself. When I am under the influence of a toxic person I eventually give up and go into hibernation. I just exist, waiting for the situation to resolve itself. I did that with my husband until I finally wised up to what a jerk he is and went through hell freeing myself from him and the situation.

I am disabled from the physical beatings and have poor health to begin with. Therefore I qualify for housekeeping help in my home. I tried dozens of people, but none of them was a person I wanted in my home for any length of time. To be fair, I am a Loner - I like being by myself. I have books, my computer, movies and am a freelance writer.

However, I have debilitating diseases of the bones and joints, making housework extremely painful and almost literally impossible. So I agreed to try one more person. On the surface she seemed wonderful. I have a ferret and most housekeepers were scared to death of the little angel. This new one even cleaned the litter box without a qualm. She had a cat, she said, and one litter box is like another.

Thought I had died and gone to heaven. That was three years ago and we have had a tumultuous relationship. I had become blind to the truth and relied on her so much that I could stand the thought of losing her.

It was insidious. First she had me getting up so she could work at six in the morning. I worked for most of my life, getting up to get to a job. Now that I no longer have to do that, I cherish sleeping in till eight or so. I am often up in the night with pain, so need those extra hours.

Then she decided that I am "wasting away" - me an Rosie are about the same size! Yes, I do get malnutrition, but facing bacon and eggs and fried potatoes at six-thirty was a torment. My usual breakfast is V-8 juice and a slice of toast. But you see, she worked on my weaknesses to have things her way.

A chronic whiner and paranoid as the day is long, I was subjected daily to her stories about nobody liking her and everyone being out to get her. This, combined with so much more.

Around Christmas I usually get the blues. Well, this year I almost had another breakdown. I didn't even think about her causing my anxiety until a dear friend told me she was astonished I let the woman treat me that way. When she wasn't working for me she was coming to 'visit' and would talk about herself for hours. I was losing it. Speaking with her did no good, she just didn't 'get it'.

I let her go two weeks ago. My health and spirits picked right. I lost three pounds already. I wake up refreshed and would much rather deal with the difficulties of how to keep my house clean than deal with her terminal anger and strangeness. Now, this is not a litany of my problems with no point.

This housekeeper is a 'toxic' person. I have not the strength to battle her to run my own life. Maybe you have someone in your life like this and you think there is no hope. You must stand up for yourself and weigh the pros and cons of this person in your life. My task was easy, in that I let her go.

Your task may lie with a spouse, relative or someone you cannot simply cut out of your life. The first step is in realizing there is a bad situation. You may need a counselor to learn to deal with that person. You may need to figure out strategies to bypass danger zones, or how to demand your own rights.

Think about it? Many things besides germs can make us ill. It is real illness, not just your imagination. You could end up throwing up blood, or being to ill to get out of bed. These relationships are dangerous and if you think you might be in one - get help quick. Don't blame yourself for everything. Don't worry about them not liking you anymore. You are the one person you should be kindest to!