Training Yourself Not to Lie

Whether we like it or not, lies are prevalent in our society. They can be white lies, whoppers or something in between. People lie through their teeth, or from other unmentionable places. Even you probably lie at least once a day, sometimes without even realizing it. Maybe you just wanted to avoid hurting someone's feelings, or avoid a confrontation later down the road. The reasons why people lie are as numerous as lies themselves, but for the majority of people they think they're avoiding a potentially hurtful situation in the future. No matter what the reason, however, even small lies can result in a strain on a business or personal relationship and more stress for both parties.

Is it possible to tell the truth and not hurt someone's feelings? Often the answer is yes, but it takes a lot of work and practice to achieve such a goal.

The first thing to do is to get out of the self-preservation mode that instinctually tells you to lie. This is often the hardest step, having been ingrained in us at an early age, and usually requires the most conscious practice.

Try to figure out what causes you to make the decision to lie. Are there certain emotions connected to it, like fear or uneasiness? Did something happen to you (like your parents yelling at you) when you were honest about something as a child? What encourages your mind to perceive lying as the logical course of action? Once you've determined these answers, you'll consciously recall them the next time you're tempted to lie.

When you realize you're about to lie, you need to weigh your alternatives carefully. If possible, consider asking the person if you can pause a minute to gather yourself together. Mull the issue over in your mind, especially your motivation for lying. You need to ask yourself what the realistic consequences would be of telling the truth, and if your fear isn't just exaggerating things. Sometimes all you need is a step back from the situation to see a better alternative to lying.

It's always possible that you're the one building something into more than what it is. You could try prefacing what you're about to say with a phrase to indicate that you're only expressing your perception of things, not stating something as a fact. You may get your message across more clearly by saying something like "Well, my perception is that…" may be met with a kinder response than bluntly stating something unpleasantly true. Make sure they know you're taking their feelings into account, and explain how you're also feeling at the moment.

You must clearly indicate where your opinion ends and fact begins. Without this clear indication, you could too easily fall into the trap of mixing truth with fiction-something you're trying to avoid.

If something you have to say is unpleasant, no matter how much you try to cushion the blow there will be people who respond in a negative fashion. Maybe they have a reason to be upset with you, especially if you've let them down in some way. Rather than lying to them in order to avoid these negative feelings, try to deal with them in an adult, responsible manner. Problems will dissolve more quickly by admitting the truth and handling the consequences than lying and waiting for the death knell later.

How many times have you lied to someone just so you could avoid admitting a mistake or wrongdoing? Admitting to another human being that you've messed up can be the embodiment of some peoples' nightmares, yet it's a key step to avoiding even small lies. Not only will apologizing relieve the stress you've been walking around with, nearly everyone appreciates a sincere apology where damage has been done. It also takes a mature person to admit guilt, showing that you have inner strength. If you're smart, you'll also remember the apology as a tool to avoid making similar mistakes in the future rather than use apologies as a tool of manipulation.

Finally, try and focus on the way you want people to perceive you, and your own ideal vision of yourself. Use this vision as a guide when you're tempted to lie, and it will become the motivation behind changing your life for the better.