Transformers

They are robots in disguise, but unfortunately they can't transform into a good feature film. I know I will catch a lot of flak for this review, but I have to be honest, it was not that good. There are things I enjoyed about the movie don't get me wrong, I just think a lot of things don't fit properly into the gene of the Transformers universe.
Let us begin with the plot. A long time ago (in a galaxy far far away) an object known as the Allspark was what created life on Cybertron, but Megatrons war caused it to be lost in space. The Allspark ended up on Earth and the Autobots come to find it, or destroy it, before Megatron. A long time ago the main human character Sam Witwicky's great grandfather found Megatron frozen in the North Pole and his glasses were imprinted with the location of the Allspark. Yes, apparently, Megatron had apparently come to Earth over a thousand years ago and got frozen in a crash landing. In the meantime (over a thousand years according to the timeline) the Autobots have been searching for the Allspark. They send a Guardian for Sam, because they knew about the glasses somehow and then after he nearly gets killed by a Decepticon (whom have all been hiding on earth for a long time as well) they decide to come to Earth and start looking for the Allspark. I'm very sorry to Michael Bay, but what the heck was he smoking, snorting, injecting, or just hitting himself in the head with, when he signed off on directing this movie? Actually now that I think about it, I'm not sorry.
Granted the effects and transformation in this film is very cool. Optimus Prime takes a long time to change compared to the other transformers, but he has been around for over a thousand years so I guess it is to be expected. What I have always found interesting is the choice of camouflage the Transformers choose. There are some that will argue that they choose the closes vehicle to where they crash. However, isn't it funny that the Autobots always crash near suburban vehicles and always Decepticons crash near military ones? Thinking about this fact brought up another problem for me, mainly that Megatron is supposed to be a tank or cannon. Unfortunately there is already a tank model Decepticon so he is a weird alien fighter jet, and his front turns into a large laser. It all still looks cool, but at it still sits wrong with me.
The Allspark is another element to the story that I think was overblown as an object of obsession for the Transformers. It has the ability to give life, robot life, to any piece of technology. It brings several things to life during the movie. A cell phone, a computer, a car, and a product placed Mountain Dew machine. Megatron wants to use it to turn all of Earth technology into a new army and the Autobots want to stop him. Here lie a few very stupid plot holes. All the robots made by the Allspark are evil for reasons not explained. The Autobots never try to create their own new robots because they are too good natured. The American government has had possession of the Allspark and frozen Megatron for years, claiming it is the reason for all the technology booms that exist today. This is an exceptionally stupid hole because compared to the technology of the Transformers and ours I find that a very large gap that should have been easily crossed with the power of the Allspark.
I know this is a science fiction movie, but at least explain your vision properly in the storyline. Without that you are actually creating a fantasy film and might as well explain everything with 'A wizard did it'. I enjoyed the Transformers cartoon and although it didn't always make sense, it was far more believable than this movie. However, put in the words of a friend of mine, Transformers is the best Car/Army/Mountain Dew commercial I have ever seen. If you like watching familiar robots battle for the fate of the universe then by all means see this movie, but don't call it an original idea as the critiques are raving. Transformers has been around a long time and there is nothing original about this movie. There is not more than meets the eye.