Transformers: Dark of the Moon 3D Review

The Transformers franchise has set a low bar for itself creatively, but a high bar at the box office. In fact, that bar is so high that grossing well over $300 million is almost a disappointment by its standards. But it is a case of bad timing, since Dark of the Moon had the misfortune of having the last Harry Potter open two weeks later and break records.

As such, this latest Transformers will wind up being a $300+ million afterthought by comparison, because it isn't as big as the others. Likewise, it is an afterthought creatively because it isn't quite as jaw droppingly insane and idiotic as the others, at least most of the time.

Despite saving the world twice, Sam Witwicky can't get a job and has even lost his girlfriend- although new girlfriend Carly helps soften the blow. Meanwhile, Optimus Prime and the Autobots discover that the entire space race of the 1960's was to uncover an Autobot space craft from the dark side of the moon. It not only contains former Autobot leader Sentinel Prime, but a collection of pillars that can transport ravaged planet Cybertron- along with other Decepticon weapons that spell the doom of Earth. And once Sam gets back in the middle, he must beat impossible odds, protect Carly, and go through both human and robot collaborators to help Optimus save mankind.

The last Michael Bay Transformers film was universally hailed as the worst movie ever to make $400 million. But Bay came in determined to make Dark of the Moon less of an embarrassment, complete with a new female lead to leer at, the biggest Decepticon attacks of all time, and 3D. However, as much as we all complain about Bay and his incoherence, his movies are better to watch when they are at their worst, if only to see what new depths he will sink to next. As such, being less terrible isn't exactly the best thing for Dark of the Moon, at least by Transformers standards.

Still, Bay starts things off with promise, as he unveils the movie's outlandish rewrite of history, shows off Cybertron for the first time, and makes his 3D debut with a bang. Yet after this opening flourish, things dramatically slow down once the focus returns to Sam, and the franchise's latest MacGuffin-laden mysteries.

This is why Bay always suffers when he's not over the top in every minute, because when he tries to slow things down and not blow things up, he gets boring and melodramatic. Therefore, the audience is twiddling its thumbs while waiting for the next big battle, with scenery chewing from the likes of John Turturro, John Malkovich, Patrick Dempsey, Ken Jeong and Frances McDormand to kill time.

In any case, the real show comes in the final hour, as Chicago finally joins the ranks of cities laid to waste by Bay. Even his critics must begrudgingly admit the spectacle on display here, despite how much of it was spoiled in the trailers. Yet after 90 minutes of relatively restrained action and insanity, Bay has the courtesy to unleash himself in the last 60. Even if Dark of the Moon isn't as memorably offensive as Revenge of the Fallen, it at least outdoes it in jaw-dropping action at the end- which is all we usually ask for in this series.

As for the humans, we get the usual routines from them as well, with Shia LaBeouf reprising his motor-mouthed, unlikely hero shtick, and newcomer Rosie Huntington-Whiteley stepping into Megan Fox's poses, with even less personality. McDormand and Turturro have the most human scenery to chew- which may make movie buffs delighted or depressed to see two Coen Brothers regulars reunited in this.

Dempsey has a sinister change of pace from Grey's Anatomy, while Malkovicn and Jeong try to enliven the slower middle section with extended cameos. As for the robots, Optimus Prime gets a bit rougher than usual, Bumblebee still steals scenes, but Megatron seems to be all but written out of the movie. Leonard Nimoy's voice is the biggest new addition as Sentinel Prime- even though he sadly plagiarizes himself at one point.

There's still nothing like seeing Bay go totally off the rails, at least more than usual. But when movies like Transformers: Dark of the Moon are more forgettable than incredible- and incredibly awful- then it's harder to excuse their deficiencies. For too many stretches, that is what this movie becomes, although it goes out of its way to try and make up for it in the third act.

However, with the exception of the beginning, parts of the middle, and the hour-long end, there's not much to remember- or get as offended by- in this trip to the dark side. But knowing Bay, he'll be able to make up for it soon enough, whether he rebuilds the Transformers or not.