Transgender in Middle School: My Life as a Preteen Girl

In elementary school I had to deal with being bullied and pushed around because of being transgender, thus not like all the other boys. Well, middle school wasn't much better; only different.

The aftermath

So by the time I was left elementary school things had gotten pretty bad. All the feelings inside of me were bubbling up and after so many years of being pushed around I had decided enough was enough. If being myself was causing me problems and I couldn't be anyone else I would be no one. I decided to do everything I could not to feel anything, more like a machine then anything else.

This worked well for the most part, though the cost was very high. Sure the bullying stopped but I also had jumped up to my full adult height between elementary and middle school so that probably played an important part. None the less I was now a walking, talking robot rarely feeling anything and rarely caring. No matter how hard I tried though my transgender issues seeped out. I had to express myself.

The dreams

They say in your dreams you can live out your fantasies. Well, that was never more true then it was for me at this time in my life. I don't remember a whole lot of my dreams but the ones I do remember paint a clear picture. Once my eyes closed I no longer had to be a boy. I remember playing with feminine games with my none existent little sister, going to dances, and living a fun wonderful life all unhindered by the reality of being a boy who really wasn't one.

Name slips

It became very hard to deal with my true identity during the waking hours. Any time I could get away with it I'd deny the truth. There our plenty of surveys and anonymous papers that were signed with fake female names. Even as a machine like boy my feminine self was being accounted for.

Gaming

Here beith the big one. It was in middle school I met the friends in my life that enjoyed gaming. By gaming I do not mean video games either, although we liked those too, but what I mean is pen and paper gaming; Dungeons and Dragons, World of Darkness, things like that. The characters that emerged from those games were vivid and detailed, living full lives in their imaginary worlds. And with no surprise 95% of them were female, with a rare male character thrown in.

This should have been a dead give away to all my friends but it wasn't. At this point very few of them even suspected I was different besides being a little cold and emotionless. You see, I had abandoned most of my fake friends from elementary school so my new friends didn't know why I was like I was. All they knew was I seemed very unconcerned and didn't put together my depressing boy life and my wonderful girl characters. Most of them simply shrugged and assumed I liked to visualize girls. They were half way there; I liked to visualize myself as a girl.