Trapped and Panicked in My Own Mind

A couple of years ago, my ex-husband took me to family court to try to gain full custody of our son, who at the time was 5 years old. This, of course, caused me to be under a great deal of strain. Although I have wonderful family and friends who gave me support and guidance through this troubling time, I kept a lot of emotion bottled up inside. In the months prior to the court hearing, I had small panic attacks which I chose to ignore. The attacks were nothing severe. I never called my doctor. However, on the day of the hearing, after the court referee heard testimonies, my body could not take the nervous tension any longer.

This is an account of what happened to me as I waited in the hallway for the verdict...

What was happening to me?

My heart pounded wildly against my chest. The stomach cramps came without warning. My thoughts were racing, yet focused on the most frightening images. I gripped the nearest surface and tried to hold on with sweaty palms. I prayed this horrible sensation would pass. I was so dizzy. The room felt like it was spinning. Sweat formed a film on my body. I forced back the urge to vomit as more terrifying imagery filled my head.

Why was the hallway so small?

It was so hard to breathe. My breath came out in short shallow puffs. I fought back the urge to cry. I did not want to show any signs of weakness. My chest felt so constricted. Slow measured steps took me to the nearest chair. 'Please, please make it stop.' I just kept repeating the chant in my head. It felt like my heart was stuck in my throat. It was even harder to breathe.

Why was everything going black?

I felt so light-headed. I felt like I was going to faint. It was getting darker around the edges of my eyes. My eyes would not focus. Nobody noticed my distress. Although still surrounded by friends and family, I struggled through this frightening experience essentially alone in a crowded hall, because I chose to, once again, try to be the strong independent one.

Will this never end?

As I could feel myself slide into oblivion, the door opened and the court referee announced for us to come back in to the courtroom. At this point, someone had to tell me to get up. I struggled to my feet, dreading the outcome of what the referee would say and fearing the onset of another attack. After about 5 minutes, the fog lifted from my brain and it became clear from all the legalese that my son was not to go live with my ex-husband. In fact, it was the referee's recommendation that specific ground rules be set in place for parenting time from now on since there was no specific parenting schedule in place.

This time my heart soared out of pure joy. My stomach began to unknot for the first time in months. The tears that appeared were ones of happiness. And yes, I could finally breathe a sigh of relief.

I consulted my doctor after the episode at the courthouse. We both agreed I needed stress management. Exercise, a healthier diet, and receiving counseling have done wonders for me. Although I continue to experience bouts of anxiety and some panic attacks, they are to a lesser degree. I am healthier and happier now after taking control of life and anxiety rather than letting my life and anxiety control me.