Traveling Tips

Drove from Birmingham AL to Minneapolis this week. Some thoughts on traveling.

Whatever has happened to ice machine maintenance? I don't care if I stay in a Motel Six or a Hilton. A bed is a bed and they all have cable TV and internet hook-ups. I don't care if they have a fitness room or an indoor swimming pool. Like I am going to use a pool and a fitness room, especially after driving nine hours ? Heck, I am going to stay in my room and drink. So, I want an ice machine that works.

I don't want to go to a bar, especially in Minneapolis where it is minus five thousand degrees.outside. If you walk outside, you don't get frostbite, it is so cold, your whole hand falls off. And then with no hand, you can't pick up the drink at the bar anyway, so why bother?

And I have no desire to go to the hotel bar where a bourbon costs ten bucks. Heck I can buy a whole bottle of Kentucky Gentlemen for that. So, I repeat, I want an ice machine that WORKS. But the two hotels I stayed had constipated ice machines. They pooped out one sad piece of ice at a time. It would have taken me all night to fill up my ice bucket.

That left me a decision. Do I walk to the floor below and use that ice machine or go back to my room and drink my bourbon without ice. I chose, in both hotels, to walk down - okay take the elevator - down one floor and get some ice. But many times I have decided to drink the bourbon without ice. Few know the hardships of traveling.

I love the recession in a strange way. Every hotel I stayed at was less than 70 dollars. But then again how many people are driving to Minneapolis in the winter. Only the brain-damaged few, me included. But even if you pay $70 a night for a hotel and you stay in the hotel for ten hours - you are still spending $7 an hour just to sleep.

In the summer, I often , when I am traveling, stay in campgrounds and just sleep in the back seat of my car. It is kinda cool. The campgrounds always have showers and bathrooms and are a lot cheaper than hotels. And the backseat of a car is just like sleeping on a couch. And instead of being stuck in a hotel room, drinking bourbon, you can sit outside at the picnic bench and drink and watch your neighbors.

And they are fun to watch. One night I am at a campground, sitting at the picnic table and this big RV pulled u. Had to cost $100.000 at least and I am thinking - why buy a RV, you can stay at a lot of hotel rooms for $100.000. But this guy pulls up, hook ups to all the hook ups, rolls out his awning and his wife sets the table and I am thinking. " A feast is on the way! "

He gets out a can of Spaghetti O's , puts it on the grill and that is the dinner!

Another true story. Pulled up at a rest stop - see a bus of "special ed kids". Go into the bathroom and they are all there. I am finally at the sink watching my hands and there is a special Ed kid standing next to me. I ask him where they are headed. He looks puzzled and says, " That is a long drive just to go to the bathroom."

I told him to run for Congress.

Another strange story. I knew a great salesman called Jim. He went from town to town and his teeth kept hurting him after he ate. Went to a small town dentist, paid the dentist to pull all his teeth and was happy with false teeth, the pain was gone.

Jim grew up in a different era and said that there was no TV in motels, so every time he came to a new town, he ate dinner, walked downtown to the movie theater, watched the newsreel and the movie and went back to his hotel. But he said the movie was a great spot to meet all the fellow salesmen and they all exchanged ideas.

Back to now.

I hit snowstorms in Tennessee and Kentucky. Maybe three inches but they do not have SNOWPLOWS!!!! So the roads are packed with snow and I saw over 30 cars which hit trees or spun into ditches. The drivers did not know that there are three basic rules to driving in the snow. One slow down. Too, stay off the brakes. Three, if you have an IQ of three, stay home.

So, I cross the border into Southern Illinois and all the roads are plowed and there are snow plows parked with nothing to do. HELLO? Cross the freaking state line and plow the roads in Kentucky and Tennessee. Can't the governors of Tennessee and Kentucky just rent snowplows from Illinois when they need them once a year?

Minneapolis has miles of skywalks that connect all the buildings downtown. Another basic rule, if the climate is SO cold that skywalks must connect all the buildings, AVOID that city.

Every truck stop has Bubba Walking Sticks which are basically walking sticks with a brass doorknob on the end. I think they are really cool and have NO reason at all to buy one, but had to resist buying one everytime I left the truck stop. And do you know if you are a Medal of Honor winner and travel to Gainseville, Texas, they will give you a freee Bubba stick. What are the odds?

Also Bubba walking sticks " are proudly made in Texas by Texans" Hmm - who else lives in Texas?

And this is totally strange - you can go to the Bubba website and buy a stick for $52.00. But you can buy one at a truck stop for $25. I admire that. Bubba Stick is supporting its retailers.

I think I better buy one. But I don't need one. But they are SO cool looking.

Two more traveling tips. The best thing to do in a hotel room is drink and watch Courage the Cowardly Dog on Cartoon Network. Best drawn cartoon I have seen in a long time.

Second - never travel across town for food. It is not worth going ten miles out of your way for some steak. You body won't know the difference - grab a burger at McDonalds, go back to your room and watch Courage the Cowardly Dog.

Oh - one last tip. Never buy a laptop desk. Every hotel had a pillow that works just as well.