Treasure in the Suitcase: Part 2

Tell me are monsters created or born monstrous? Forgiving my mother has not been an easy task. Yes I said task. It has been work. It is not only for the things that she did to me in childhood, and the damage wrecked on my children and family, but also for the continuous monstrous deeds that have continued well into adulthood and the present.

She is dying by inches as the cancer has now leaked into and ravaged her lungs. Ironically enough dribblings of poison that she fed to my sons was that I had a brain tumor. That was her explanation for the "lies" that I have fed my children and the world. Someday when I die, sooner or later, they will discover that I have a brain tumor. My mother has controlled generations with her occult knowledge, from Astrology, Tarot cards and whatever else that she could garner her evil control of others with.

She had lost her hold and control over me when I found the Alanon program and eventually AA. I was a Christian and still am, but breaking that hold was not easy. When you have been fed lies and have been brainwashed all of your life with occult lies it is not an easy thing to overcome.

When I first heard that she had told my sons this, I felt panic. Inside my head I am praying, "Please God, let me die of anything but a brain tumor when I die!"

The fear of dying of a brain tumor because of the obvious horror of the death was minimized by the fear of not being believed. I watched my beloved grandmother die by inches with cancer. Before she died the cancer invaded her brain. The doctors said that it would be a matter of hours before she died when the cancer would hit a vital area in her brain. Instead the evil, vile tumor grew outward; appearing as a flesh covered horn in the middle of her forehead.

She went on to live, if you want to call it that, for at least another year in constant agony. When I saw her minutes after her death, her face was contorted with pain, her body a ravaged, empty brittle brown deflated paper bag. I had just turned 18 years old weeks before. I will never forget it. The one person that I loved with all my heart, that loved me unconditionally, the only safe person that I had in my life, lay empty, diseased, dead and powerless. My selfish teenaged mind although horrified and rage filled that my Christian grandmother had to die like this was more consumed with the loss of my protector. She had been unable to protect me for over 8 years, and then only with her spirit, and continual loving support. When I was with my grandma, I knew I was safe, if only temporarily in her presence, at least I knew I had her love and presence as a reprieve.

Why I include this in my writing is to let you know the impact that my mother's curse put on me. If not an actual curse, but just by telling my sons that I had a brain tumor was one of the most vile, verbal and spiritual attacks on me that she could have done. That was 21 years ago. So far I do not have a brain tumor. Hopefully I never will if God is merciful. Maybe it will be easier for you to understand why it has been hard for me to find forgiveness in my heart for my monstrous mother. This is the tip of the iceberg of the horrors that she has perpetrated onto me. She made my biological father, brother and sister and their families promise not to have contact with me until I beg her for forgiveness and admit that I am lying. That will not happen, and has not happened in 21 years. The truth shall set you free, and it has, but the price has been high. Nothing of value comes without a price.

The relationships that I would have had with my biological family would not have been healthy but that does not stop the longing for one. I have made new families and they are happy and healthy ones. My youngest son has not been tainted by the evil and toxic influences of my biological family. I cannot say that of my oldest that has bought into her lies and hate toward me. Unfortunately that is just the way it is. I don't know if that will ever change but it is in God's hands.

This is the long way around telling you what I discovered in the battered old brown suitcase in my first father's house. Along with photos of his ancestors and family was another album. I was shocked to see it. My mother had made an album of their early life together. She recorded the dates of their first meetings. They started "going steady," in their junior year in high school. The date and year that they were married,, along with the jobs that they had as they innocently prepared for their lives together. There were drawings that she made of the living room in their dream house. The loss and sadness of this relationship and the mother that I never knew welled up in me. It also helped me to find one more little chunk of forgiveness for her and her damaged soul.

Another loss that I had in all of this was that there was not one photo of me in this suitcase. There was one photo of my brother. I was stunned, but then realized that that was all part of the secret. She didn't want my brother or I to be included in his life. We were not his biological children. He didn't know that until years later. When he moved with his battered suitcase full of very little but his past, that had included my mother and the dreams that they made together, he left without us. He told me that he slept with a bottle of booze for 4 years after she betrayed him.

My memoirs are in editing as I write this. The whole story is included in it and it is nearly 300 pages and I haven't included it here, obviously. It is a story of betrayal, deceit, evil and acres and acres of pain, but also of the redemption of my soul and life.

Just like a lifetime movie, I discovered this treasure in the battered old brown suitcase. I believe in miracles and I believe that this came at a very precious time. As my mother's life nears it's end, I hope that she asks God for forgiveness for the sins that she has committed against her children and her children's children and the many other people that she has damaged in her life. She will never ask to see me. I was told that she will accept nothing from me but a personal appearance on her doorstep with an apology. If she were to ask to see me I would go. I would not ask her forgiveness for the sins that she committed against me. I am not the sinner. I would forgive her though. I have to the best of my ability forgiven her for the sins that she committed against me. God rest your soul Mom.