Trial by Fire: My Experiences with Schizoaffective Disorder

Schizoaffective disorder is one of the offshoots of modern schizophrenia. I have dealt with this disorder for three years, going from hospitals to institutions, and then coming back to the normal world after a true trial by fire.

What have I learned? Schizoaffective disorder has many of the same qualities as the basic depression: The constant doubt; crazy thinking like thoughts of suicide or hurting loved ones; and a hopelessness that seems to never end.

My form of Schizoaffective disorder mainly revolves around experiencing voices in my mind. It truly is my biggest secret, as few of my friends know I have the condition.

I learned that life can be normal even under the shadow of a disorder; that I too can have goals and achieve them.

I still have doubts, the occasional crazy thought of suicide, and the voices. What it amounts to is it's likely I will face this disease the rest of my life-it isn't a common flue bug or an addiction that can be put down, it stays with you.

I did change how I did things after experiencing this disorder for an extended period. I began to pray in earnest, sometimes saying the rosary out loud as much as twenty times a day, all while sitting on my weakened knees. This was an obsessive nature at its best: Praying isn't about being fanatical about it.

But the prayers did help; they maintained the hope in me that had been slowly dieing for a while.

If you are diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder, don't expect a cure overnight. This disease will work you like no other. I can attest for constant thoughts of ending it all. And the doctors won't be able to diagnose it immediately, or give you the right medicines. The medicines I have now allow me to live a normal life, with perhaps one percent of the crazy, racing thoughts I had before. Often people with this disorder or even Schizophrenia will hear voices, sometimes constantly. This is why I thought of suicide. I thought I could win the battle by myself; the truth was I needed everyone involved in my life's help.

This disorder can come from drug addiction or a troubled childhood. I don't think I had the troubled childhood, but I did have a major drug addiction for several years. If I had to pick one reason I don't use drugs or even drink alcohol to this day, it's because I fear what will happen to my mind.

I battled things like depression, so the drug addiction came naturally, and eventually I paid the price.

If anything can be learned from all of this, I would say it's usually about making life choices. Sometimes you will have to ask for help, from family or professionals. A person who suffers will always need these people to talk too. Avoiding drugs is the prime decision I made, and is why I am successful as a person today. Lastly, don't obsess over things like religion thinking they will cure you; an obsession is no different when it looks or sounds better-a higher power will help you when you're ready and willing to be helped.