Trial by Fire: My Video's Day on the Front Page of YouTube

As part of the promotion of the movie "Watchmen", 2009's adaptation of the legendary graphic novel by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons, the filmmakers held a contest of the sort so popular these days: make a spec commercial, put it on YouTube, rack up votes from the public, and cross your fingers.

I created a perfume commercial to advertise a fictional fragrance brand of the "Watchmen" world. I did not win the grand prize. But the consolation prize was sort of interesting.

On June 23, 2008 my commercial was the most prominent feature on the front page of YouTube. I don't know why the administration picked it, considering it didn't even win the biggest prize. I guess someone in marketing was fond of it. But all day long, everyone in America visiting YouTube saw my name, and more importantly, my lovely and talented star, who in one fell swoop replaced Lindsay Lohan as the world's most overexposed actress.

Profanity-laced outbursts of sheer amazement came to my mind several times over the course the day.

Before June 23, the video had about 3200 hits, maybe 15 ratings, and exactly eleven comments, one of which was from me.

When midnight struck, we had 130,290 hits, 1706 ratings and 167 comments, the bulk of which call my sexual orientation into question.

Oh, I knew this was coming as soon as I saw her face on the front page. Ever gone on a roller coaster? Everything's rushing at you, and it's fun and wild and strange and a little bit offputting. Even the pit in my stomach felt the same as we began the slow climb up the first hill.

Shock. Just shock. No one told me in advance this was going to be on the front page; I found out just by visiting on my own accord. The Internet found out before I did.

Oh, and for added fun, guess which video was featured first (and played automatically) on the "Watchmen" contest page. Just when you thought it was safe.

125,000 views later, it was the comments section I found truly amazing, and still think on today. It's not the insulting comments that bug me, nor even the filthy sexual ones. It's the weird ones that present little agenda on behalf of the poster, like the guy who comes into a store and hangs around and won't leave, as if he just wanted to let me know he was there, man.

Selected observations drawn from these astute criticisms:
- Evidently, my submission is gay. I confess I give little thought to the gayness of the video before it was too late, and in hindsight should probably have made a significantly less gay project.
- Numerous people find my leading lady attractive. Let us simply say that romance is not dead.
- Numerous other people saw fit to criticize my leading lady's appearance. This is forgivable, because I checked, and each one of them was a handsome, muscular, well-dressed babe magnet with bikini models caressing his peaked biceps and godlike genitalia. None of them, by contrast, were overweight, neckbearded mantrolls who then played a rousing game of World of Warcraft before crying themselves to sleep masturbating over the fat girl from the pharmacy.
- I suck and have created the worst thing ever.

My day on the front page came to an end after twenty-four hours of trial by fire. It was replaced by an ad for "10,000 BC" on DVD. I had my moment in the sun, and now Roland Emmerich was to have his.

The first insulting drive-by comment came by 12:30 AM.

I'm never, ever, ever going on the Internet again.