Trick or Treaters Are Out of Control!

For years Halloween was a very harmless and fun holiday for kids to enjoy. When I was young kids would have fun Trick or Treating, eating their candy and watching the Garfield Halloween special (because Garfield is way cooler than Charlie Brown.)

Every year kids get more and more out of control at a younger and younger age. Most of the year it doesn't bother me, I don't have to deal with kids. But every Halloween the monstrous kids are running around my neighborhood.

Kids in Halloween costumes seem to actually turn into the creatures they are dressed as sort of like that episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You know the one where Xander is dressed as a guy in the army so he becomes a soldier and Willow is dressed like a ghost so she becomes a ghost. Well kids are turning into the witches and ghouls and ghosts they are dressed as. I'm just glad nobody is dressing like Vanilla Ice anymore; we sure don't need anymore of him, besides John Cena of course.

These kids are out of control. Often you'll hear them chanting "Trick or Treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat. If you don't, I don't care. I'll pull down your underwear."

I think these kids have misinterpreted Halloween. First of all it's not Trick and Treat, it's Trick or Treat. If there is candy being given then there will be no additional feet smelling.

Second, if there is a trick, which is totally dependant on the giver's decision, not the taker's, then the person receiving the tricks will be the kids, not the candy givers. If there is a trick, you will not be pulling down my underwear, I will be pulling down your underwear. Although with kids it is probably inappropriate to pull down their underwear...and very illegal.

How dare kids do this. They expect us to give them candy after they've tortured us with smelly feet and threatened us with underwear pulling. I think it is time for the candy givers to fight back. There will be no trick or treating this year, only tricking.

It's time for us to take back Halloween. This year I will make kids smell my feet. Or maybe instead of candy I'll hand out New Kids on the Block CDs, but not the good New Kids on the Block CD, the bad one from before anybody knew who they were. I should probably also make some water balloons, and electrify the doorbell too. That's a good one! I need to write these down.

Imagine how shocked everybody will be. For decades we've been saying there will be tricking or treating on Halloween but we almost always treat. If for once we all stand up and only trick people then maybe we'll get these kids back in line.

Of course even I'm not totally cruel. I have a soft side. I will give you a piece of candy if and only if you are dressed like a character from a Jennifer Connely movie. I better see a lot of Jareth costumes!