Trivial News, Hirsute Pursuits

Thanks to 24-hour television news, we are always up-to-date on world events. But to provide 24 hours of content, somebody somewhere has to be talking to somebody about something, every second of every day.

And sometimes this results in elevating the most useless drivel imaginable to the level of "breaking news." When you hear a TV news hair helmet perkily announce, "Coming up next! Cat obesity is on the rise," you can be pretty sure that Earth is not facing imminent destruction by a rogue asteroid.

At least, not during the commercial break.

This past week was a good example. We learned that the US Department of Justice plans to sue the US CIA for the crime of protecting US citizens from terrorist attacks for eight straight years. And since this is, effectively, a case of our own government suing our own government, we get to pay for both legal teams. Oh, good.

In part, the Justice Department is offended over interrogation techniques, employed by the CIA to extract information from captured terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (KSM). For some reason, it came as a big surprise to the DOJ that unhinged religious fanatics wouldn't fall to their knees, weeping uncontrollably, even though we swatted their forearms with the flat edge of a kindergarten ruler.

We all know KSM from his mug shot, an attractive piece of candid photography that makes Nick Nolte's arrest photo look like an air-brushed Brad Pitt. Coincidentally, KSM also holds the league record for body hair. The guy looks like he's smuggling centipedes.

But after some quality time with the CIA, the follicle-rich fiend sang like Ethel Merman on a dessert binge. He confessed to several heinous crimes, including lip-syncing during the Karaoke In Kabul semi-finals, and bringing back Classic Coke. But it's not important that America is safe: what matters is the hurt feelings of the bad guys. It's even been whispered that some CIA sociopath blew second-hand smoke in KSM's face. My heavens. They're just out of control.

Meanwhile, on every channel, a famous Senator passed on, and was buried later that same week.

This just in: a famous singer died in June and still hasn't been laid to rest. No, not Ethel Merman.

And in case you needed any more proof that it was a slow news week, gay penguins reappeared in the news. Let's move on.

On ABC (the All Barack Channel), several hundred thousand reporters staked out the president's family vacation, in case he spoke, or breathed, or sat down, or stood up, or stared thoughtfully. And thanks to some crackerjack investigative reporting, we now know that Obama went to the store.

This just in: one of his daughters bought some gum.

Immediately, online bloggers hunkered down to divine the darker truths: What kind of gum? What brand? Was it regular gum or sugar-free? Did the youngster swallow the gum or spit it out?

This just in: the daughter enjoyed a half-stick of sugar-free gum, manufactured by union workers, without petroleum-based machinery, in a bailed-out eco-friendly American factory. She gave the other half to her father, who had a Secret Service agent chew it for him. The agent, an ex-CIA operative, water-boarded the gum.

President Obama called for a national day of eschewing chewing. The National Rubber Association (NRA), our most vocal gum lobby, protested the pronouncement. Homeland Security raised their color alert to Mint. Al Gore, who invented gum, could not be reached for comment.

In a show of solidarity, Congressional Democrats gathered en masse on the Capitol steps and collectively chewed gum. However, several distinguished members suffered severe injuries when they tried to walk at the same time.

This just in: Bill Clinton was caught attempting to interrogate the Double-Mint Twins.

Film at eleven.