Tron Joins My List of "Movies that Put Me to Sleep"

The first time I saw Tron, it put me to sleep. But that was 1982. I was five years old, and Disney's Tron was the second feature playing at the drive-in that night. My brother and I never made it through the second feature. I stayed awake just long enough to wonder why the people inside the computer world were dressed so weird. Maybe I saw the motorcycle escape scene. If you had asked me, years later, what Tron was about, I would have shrugged and mentioned the stupid costumes and motorcycles.

(Don't tell me they're not motorcycles. "They're called Light Cycles, Maria!" Oh, good grief. You and my husband can be best friends now, okay? Leave me alone.)

My husband, to his credit, is more excited about the next Harry Potter movie than Tron: Legacy. But, make no mistake, he really, really wants to see Tron: Legacy. And he thinks I should be excited about Tron: Legacy. Huh? Why? "Tron is a good movie." He said it so many times, with such conviction, I started doubting myself. Maybe I hadn't given Tron a fair shot.

A few days ago, we borrowed the Tron DVD-the 20^th anniversary two-disc collector's edition-from my husband's best friend, who insists that Tron is awesome. I rolled my eyes and promised to watch it with an open mind. Later that night, I tried. I tried so hard to stay awake.

But as soon as Master Control Program turns Flynn (Jeff Bridges) into a computer program/gladiator, Tron is a non-stop assault on good taste. Ugh, the wretched dialogue! Gah, the bizarre costumes! Those motorcycles are so...dumb! Those things chasing them look like LEGO blocks! What the hell is in that weird water they're drinking? (drifting in and out of consciousness) Why is she there? (snoring) Who's that wizard dude? He looks like one of those Boohbah creatures. (nodding off) Why is she kissing him? Wait, is that Tron (Bruce Boxleitner) or Flynn? I can't tell them apart half the time! Oh, sure, that piece of paper is all Flynn needs to prove that the guy with the British accent (David Warner) stole his game program. Okay, whatever. Now Flynn is a billionaire, and it's over. THANK GOD, it's over!

Please don't lecture me about how the computer-generated effects were revolutionary for their time. I'm sure they were. But I find it impossible to care about the people/programs inside the virtual world. Nothing, not even young, cute Jeff Bridges, can connect me to that hyper-artificial place. If I hadn't fallen asleep, surely I would have lost my will to live. (I feel the same way when I attempt to watch Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, another movie that puts me to sleep.)

So, if you're a woman, wondering if you should watch the original Tron movie to bond with your geeky husband or boyfriend, I urge you to be careful. I know it seems harmless. You've checked the movie's running time-only 96 minutes-and think you can handle it, no problem. Stop right there! Don't do it! Don't admit that you've never seen Tron!

Instead, the next time you catch your husband or boyfriend watching the Tron: Legacy trailer online, say something like, "Huh. I never completely understood how Tron and Flynn outsmarted Master Control Program in the first movie." Then sit back and let your beloved geek explain the entire plot, in detail. Try to stay awake and nod and smile in all the right places. Won't he be impressed?!

Now you'll never have to watch Tron...but he'll probably expect you to see Tron: Legacy with him, on opening night with all the other supergeeks. Crap! Sorry about that!

Sources, Related Articles and Sites:

If you liked this article, you'd probably enjoy "Are You Really Ready to Marry a Star Wars Geek?"

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084827/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9szn1QQfas&feature=related

http://disney.go.com/tron/

http://joeartistwriter.wordpress.com/tag/tron-sucks/