Troy : The Battle Between the Greeks and Trojans

Troy was a movie that managed to sneak by most sensors late last year. Heavily based upon Homer's "The Illiad", this movie's main draw is the war between the Trojans and the Greeks. The main character, Achilles, is the only possible way that the Greek's could possibly win this war, but Achilles would rather shit in a bowl and pretend it was chocolate ice cream than serve under the king and leader of the army, Agamemnon.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, fighting for the Trojans, is their general, Hector, who feels that the battle need not be fought and staves off inner demons that consume him as he thinks of the men he's killed, and his brother, Paris, has to deal with the fact that he started the whole war because he stole Agamemnon's brother, Menelaus', wife, Helen, away from him. It's sure to be a conflict filled with bloodshed, screaming, and lots of pointless emo exposition when we delve into the world that is Troy.

Visuals: 7/10

When it comes to movies about war, high definition visuals rank high among list of importance so you actually have a chance to make out what the hell is happening in between hordes of scantily clad men tumbling over each other like diseased walruses, and Troy succeeds to an extent.

The armor, from what I know, stays true to the old days of yore, complete with breastplates and plume hats abound. Many people die in this movie, and the bloodsheds accordingly, not like a tsunami like you see in other movies (Kill Bill if you want names). However, some of the choreographing of the fighting is downright ridiculous.

Brad Pitt and other main characters aren't included in this list (thankfully), but some of the nameless warriors fight like a drunken blind, deaf man who just figured out that he lost his legs. To watch a man flail a sword around as if it were a streamer suddenly get stabbed in the chest from behind doesn't bring a tear to your eye as it is supposed to, it makes you think "The fucker deserved it." This isn't what is supposed to happen. But all the same, this doesn't drag the score down too drastically, and it still finds itself above average.

Sound: 4/10

Ugh. That's all I can think of. Sound effects save this score from the lowest I could possibly give it, but just...ugh. The voice acting is absolutely horrific. Even Brad Pitt gave a sub-par voice acting attempt, and the worst part was that he was probably the best one. You'll understand fully when Patroclus (Garrett Hedlund), Achilles' cousin, is introduced.

He talks like a drugged up surfer punk. Every scene that had him sailing on a ship, I expected him to blurt out "heheh, whoa, look at the gnarly waves, RADICAL!" And then fling his arms up in the arm and headbang. Fortunately, Patroclus gets killed so our ears might have menial chance of surviving. Unfortunately, he dies over halfway through the movie.

Story: 5/10

If this story had stayed true to Homer's 'The Illiad' through and through, it would have gotten a straight 10, easily. But Petersen had to pick and pick until it's nothing but bare bones of crap. Let me break it down for you.

The movie begins with the Greek army and the Thessalanian army meeting. Greece's king, Agamemnon, makes a deal to have Greece's best warrior fight Thessaly's best warrior. Whichever army's warrior loses, the losing army becomes part of the winning army. So Thessaly's king calls out this giant bald brute that has more stitches in him then Frankenstein's monster for the fight. Agamemnon calls Achilles. However, Achilles is nowhere to be found.

So Agamemnon sends a messenger boy to find him (Why exactly a prepuscent child is traveling with an army, they don't disclose) The boy finds Achilles asleep with a random woman who we never learn her name, gathers him, and he goes to fight the brute. One swift stab in the shoulder blade later, and the Thessalanian army belongs to Greece. This entire scene was only added to show that Achilles was a great warrior, and really, it wasn't needed. Cut to a big feast between Greece and Troy.

Agamemnon and the Trojan king announce that they have made peace with each other. However, this peace will be very short lived, as Paris, prince of Troy, is having an affair with Menelaus, Agamemnon's brother's wife, Helen. Aside from a nice ass shot from Helen, there's nothing of potential interest in this scene.

Skipping ahead a bit, Menelaus has discovered Helen's (who has fled to Troy with Paris) treachery, and he and Agamemnon declare full-scale war on Troy. A dear friend of Achilles persuades him to help Greece, so he tags along. Achilles quickly shows his expertise in battle as he and his battalion of 50 charge the banks of the Aegean Sea and makes quick work of Troy's first line. This is as good a time as ever to talk about my first nitpick of the movie.

The movie is supposedly based on Homer's "The Illiad", yet Gods have been excluded completely from it. Sure, they talk about them (Appolo must have been mentioned 300 times...), but in Homer's original poem, Athena, Zeus, and other Gods helped save and kill many soldiers. I suppose I could chalk the exclusion of them up to trying to keep historical accuracy, but it irks me nonetheless.

Skipping ahead some more, Trojan general, Hector, accidentally kills Achilles' cousin, Patroclus, after Patroclus disguised himself as Achilles to lead the Greeks into battle. Well, Achilles was having none of that, no siree. He goes to the gates of Troy and calls Hector out (he screams his name nine times. Or, I should say, one time, unemotionally, which were then recorded and repeated 8 more times).

Hector comes out and they duel each other. Finally, Achilles has Hector on his knees, and swiftly stabs him in the chest, killing him. But this isn't enough for Achilles. He knows nothing of honor, of pride. He ties Hector's feet to the end of his chariot and parades him around the beach for everyone to see.

Ouch. Hitting a man when he's...dead. Afterwards, Troy's king, an 80 year old senile man who has the stare of that bum who lives in the alley across the street from you and is always inviting you over for popsicles, sneaks into Achilles' tent. Somehow, he persuades Achilles to hand over his son (did I neglect to say that Hector was the king's son?)'S body for a proper burial.

Achilles agrees, and even agrees to give him 12 days to mourn to boot. But it wasn't out of generosity that this gift was given. Over the course of the 12 days, Achilles' men disassemble some of their ships and transform the remains into; you guessed it, a big, wooden horse. This is another thing that rips apart Homer's poem. The Trojan Horse was not in the Illiad. The Trojan Horse was included in the Aeniad, a book which was written only a couple hundred years later by a man named Virgil, not Homer.

So, stupidly, the king of Troy (whose name was never actually mentioned in the movie...) brings the giant horse past the impenetrable gates of Troy, where the Greek warriors bust out and start a killin'. This leads to the killing of Agamemnon, which I'm only mentioning because it is the worst tragedy of the entire movie He gets taken down like a 99 cent hooker, and it pissed me off.

I mean, the things Petersen tries to pull of, the desecration of literature how did he think he could get away with it? It's sickening. And then, just to hit you when you're low, instead of having Helen return to Menelaus, like in the original poem, Menelaus was killed off and Helen escaped with some refugee Trojans through a secret passage into the mountains. So, as I now refuse to look at it as any sort of homage to Homer, I look at it, as a normal movie with a normal plot not based on anything. Thus, it gets a normal rating. By the way, in the end, Paris thinks that Achilles is attacking his cousin, even though, in reality, Achilles saved her from death, so he shoots him in his Achilles Tendon (not a coincidence if you're an idiot). This hinders Achilles greatly, and after four or five more shots to the torso, Achilles falls over, dead. End Movie.

Overall: 5/10

Good visuals, some nice one on one fight, and some nice sound effects save this from total mediocrity, but it doesn't fall far from it. Some might think I would have given it credit for the ass shot, but it is just another sad instance of "Let's put nudity here because we can!". Sigh.

Quick Review
Pros:
+Nice One on One Fights
+Big Name Actors Such As Brad Pitt
+Well Placed Sound Effects
Cons:
-Nudity put There Just Because
-Horrible Voice Acting
-Oh Illiad, Where Art Thou?