Truth in Advertising: Living Among the "In" Crowd is About Attitude, Not the Size of Your Wallet

It's a bit discomfiting, but at age 36, I am probably at the middle of my life right now -- given that the average male life expectancy in this country is 72 years. I've found myself thinking lately about what I have to show for it, wondering if I have accomplished as much as I could have.

One problem with our culture today is that it makes it very difficult to put issues like this in perspective. On a basic level, I have a wife who loves me, a job that I am able to do reasonably well and that pays enough for me to own my own home. Said home has a spacious backyard with a grill that I enjoy learning how to get better at using. I have two cats that adore me (they tolerate my wife). There is time in my schedule for things like books, movies and music, each of which there is an ample supply in my home. And thanks to this Web site, I have started developing a new hobby as a "content producer" (though I prefer the more quaint term "writer").

Life is good -- and there are so many unfortunate people in the world who would leap at the chance to trade lives with me, and probably with most of you reading this. To absorb a lesson like this is to know the meaning of gratitude. But this is not usually the yardstick by which we measure our own success.

We want more.

I think it's mainly because of the advertisements that bombard us on television, in magazines and elsewhere. It's also the obsession we have with celebrities and the lifestyles they are able to lead. Try flipping through the pages of magazines like Esquire, GQ or New York. You'll see good looking people in expensive, stylish clothes with all kinds of accessories and fancy cars, living in spacious homes that seem custom designed to please their every whim, leading lives of excitement that all these media somehow imply could be yours to share.

Yet, in reality, for most people this kind of life has never existed and never will, and the message here is a hurtful one because it basically says that if you cannot live a life like this, then you have somehow failed and will never be someone of consequence. And of course, the dirty little secret is that these elite media cannot exist if there is nobody on the outside looking in.

If you let this get the better of you, then of course life seems pointless and you'll go around feeling like a loser. Recently, I found myself falling into this trap. As I said, I am 36 and I felt that because I don't have that kind of affluence or material wealth, that I must not have taken advantage of the opportunities life threw at me.

What had I done wrong?

Nothing, of course.

First off, you have to realize that the people in those glossy magazine ads are not real people -- they are hired to not only make a particular product look good, but to create a sort of "life story" that goes with the product. As if by purchasing that product, you're actually buying a completely new life.

If you scrimp every penny long enough to be able to buy that $3,000 suit or that sexy European sports car, then of course you'll find yourself instantly transported to some spacious estate where well dressed people are partying constantly and those at the top of the social strata will instantly want to get to know you, and attractive people will be hanging on your shoulder as you all stand around, smiling, drinking Absolut and watching people with flawless teeth, hair and skin play a game of darts, or something.

Didn't you know that?

What these ads tap into is the fact that we all want a feeling of glamour and excitement in our own lives, and you can have that without being one of the well-coiffed mannequins with an eight-figure bank account smiling smugly from the pages of American Snob Monthly. All you need is a little imagination, the knowledge of what makes you truly happy as an individual, and willingness to pursue your interests instead of sitting around wishing you could be someone else.

That's what I mean when I talk about creating your own personal culture. We could even create a template of sorts, defining key areas of who we are and how to improve them. Let's say, appearance, home environment, entertainment, food and drink, circle of friends and hobbies.

APPEARANCE:

It's easy to say that only women care about how they look and men are content to be slobs, but this is false. In my case, I've taken an interest in picking out nicer clothes, because when I wear them I find myself feeling more upbeat and more positive.

Fortunately, my workplace does not require us to wear suits. The dress code is casual; however, since I have a number of colorful shirts and ties, I will sometimes wear these to work (as long as it is not too hot). During warm weather, I'll go more toward short-sleeve button-down shirts with pants or slacks, and generally leave the jeans for Fridays.

Find clothes and a hairstyle that suit you, and you'll do well. I'm 5-9 and about 220 pounds with a bit of a stomach and a bald spot at the back of my head. Since I always get close-cropped haircuts, the bald spot is minimized by my hair being so short anyhow.

If you're clueless at color coordinating, then do what I do -- when I buy a shirt and tie, the department store usually has it set up so that there is a certain tie on display with each particular shirt. Just go through the selections and pick out the same thing. The store workers would not have paired them for the display if they did not go well together. Since I have blue eyes, blue shirts and ties tend to bring them out (and I have gotten compliments before, so this does work).

As for the weight, I could work it off if I were more ambitious; however, who wants to sweat even more during the summer? So, just go for clothes that conceal your flaws to an extent. I look for short-sleeve shirts that can be worn without being tucked into my pants, which hides the stomach. And there are certain brands of pants with built-in elastic stretch waistbands that can accommodate a few extra pounds. Always have your pants and shirts pressed (or just hang them up as soon as they come out of the dryer), brush and floss each day and have a neat, easy to maintain hairstyle, a good pair of shoes and the rest should take care of itself. You can look like a million dollars without having to spend a million.

HOME ENVIRONMENT:

Want your home to look more affluent and inviting? If possible, make use of foliage. Plant lots of little pockets of color and maybe some trees in strategic places to give your home that "secluded from the road" quality. Try a rock garden or fountain in your back yard; you could make it your personal oasis, hemmed in by flowers and shrubs. If you live in an apartment, or are concerned more about the inside, then keeping your home clean and tidy is half the battle. Nothing turns me off more about my house then when it is messy and there are piles of laundry laying around, etc. Paint your rooms in colors that reflect light as much as possible, and consider doing away with carpeting (which is a pain to keep clean) in favor of pergo or perhaps some sort of tile, which has a cleaner and, I think, more affluent look. Any of those interior decorating shows on the Home and Garden channel can give you ideas on how to improve the appearance of your home better than I can -- the point is to make your home a place you enjoy spending time in and showing off, no matter how big or how small it is.

ENTERTAINMENT:

I will probably do a separate article expanding on this area, but you should have a respectable collection of books, movies and CDs that reflect your personal tastes and also encompass the more significant contributions to our culture. Otherwise, as far as going out to do things, look at what is in your area. Don't have the budget for Broadway shows and trips into the city? No matter -- many Broadway shows are overrated and while it is nice to do the city thing once in a while, it costs money and we all know gas is not cheap. Since I live in Ocean County, it is not really just a hop, skip and a jump for me to go to the city. Having a fulfilling life does not have to mean doing high-priced, elitist sorts of activities.

For instance, Ocean County has its own minor league ballpark, so there is a way to get your sports fix. If art is your thing, near Trenton is a place called Grounds for Sculpture, a gorgeous park filled with all sorts of modern art. You can easily spend a day roaming the grounds and it is definitely worth your time. My town has a big bookstore, so book discussion groups are an option. My wife and I enjoy going to coffeehouses, which often have musical acts and also offer a level of intimacy rather than having to shout to be heard at a loud bar (nothing against bars, though). Lakewood has the Strand Theatre and there is also the Count Basie Theatre in Red Bank -- and Red Bank is a worthwhile exploration all on its own. These things can all be part of your own "good life."

FOOD AND DRINK:

My feeling is that I like to eat better than the "rabble" of fast food. I decided to eliminate all fast food, pizza and soda from my diet. With fast food and soda I have been pretty successful -- pizza is more of a work in progress.

Near where I live is a Japanese hibachi steakhouse, which is a treat because the food is excellent (and healthier), the presentation is always done with flair (watching them cook it is a show in itself), and going there always provides a sense of the exotic. If you're into franchises, Applebee's is probably one of the better ones, and a section of their menu has Weight Watchers entrees with lower calorie counts.

As for cooking at home, I think two things are essential: presentation and the ability to grill. If you're creative, you can make your own meals look like fancy entrees from some restaurant, and as for grilling -- I think it's the only real way to cook not just meat, but fish and vegetables too. The flavor is far better than using the boring old stove.

Bottled water is becoming more diverse, with a number of flavored waters, some carbonated and some not, many with no calories and no fat. These are way better for you than soda and they taste pretty good. Have plenty of these on hand, and then find a particular beer and wine you like and make it your own by always having it in the house. Same goes for coffee.

CIRCLE OF FRIENDS

This can be a challenge in the sense that after a while, your friends from college have their own families and their own lives and you just cannot get together all the time like you once did. But one great thing about the Internet is that it makes it easy not only to make new friends but also to find people who have the same specific interests you do. However you find your friends, they are the ones who add to your life and make leisure time much more fun.

HOBBIES

Look for things that you enjoy and that help you to grow as a person. It could be painting, or writing articles for the Web, or social outlets like joining a club or an organization. Joining a fitness club never hurts.

Now, with all these things in mind, you don't have to subscribe to the notion that have an exciting and fulfilling life takes lots of money, celebrity and power. In fact, you don't have to subscribe to that "culture" at all. You'll probably get more fun out of life by building your own, and finding people who enjoy sharing it.