Truth in (spite Of) Advertising

America, times are tough. Hardly a news flash, that. But worry not: opportunity knocks!

Ever considered a career in the exciting field of product advertising? Well, here's your chance!

To get started, take our patented Careers In Advertising quiz below. For each common 'buzz phrase,' just pick the best verbiage to complete the sales pitch.

Good luck!

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Our patented process

* ensures the highest quality

* actually applies to an entirely different product

* was 'liberated' from our competition

But you better hurry, because this sale

* definitely ends Monday at midnight

* is based on admittedly dodgy business practices

* will be followed immediately by our next sale

With our unconditional guarantee

* there's absolutely no risk to you

* you can wrap a medium-sized fish

* and a dime, you'd have ten cents

Have your credit card handy

* and call now!

* and hurry up, because our employees are dangerously over-medicated

* because we're standing in an alley, working out of a car trunk

Stock up now, and save!

* Call now!

* This offer can't last forever!

* Limit one.

Operators are standing by!

* Call now!

* These operators can't stand forever!

* Remember, we're in an alley. We can't afford chairs.

After over 5,000 bariatric surgeries

* I've discovered the secret to successful weight loss

* I finally remembered to finish up with sutures

* I'm really sore

These prices are insane!

* So hurry in and save!

* Which explains why our owner is wearing a drool bib.

* But they're an absolute beacon of sanity compared to our "fine print."

Independent scientific studies conclude

* that our product beats the competition!

* that there are zero side-effects!

* that you can get an independent scientific study to say pretty much anything.

We're proud to display the "Made in the USA" tag on every product we sell!

* Buy American and save!

* To order your own "Made in the USA" tags, call 1-800-HOT-WARE.

* Well, yeah, USA does stand for "Unregulated Sweatshop in Angola," but let's not niggle.

For a limited time, we'll throw in a second Puff-Master Stem-Cell Plunge Monkey for free!

* You just pay shipping!

* Which gives you some idea of our huge profit margins on this crap.

* Amazing. We say 'you just pay shipping' and you people still think it's free. It just boggles the mind.

How can we offer prices like this?

* We buy direct from the factory!

* We more than make it up on the 'shipping.'

* We stole this merchandise!

Side-effects, though rare,

* may include nausea and mild headaches

* may include organ failure and violent convulsions

* may cause you to explode on public transportation

Some restrictions may apply.

* Visit our website for details.

* Which is like saying some of the ocean may be a bit damp.

* And if you actually FIND any relevant details on our website, we'll dance naked during half-time at the Super Bowl.

But wait! There's more!

* If you act now...

* As part of this special TV offer...

* Cause if you've heard all this bilge and you're still listening, you'll probably buy a bunch of this other garbage, too.

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After completing the quiz, mail it to our Customer Service Liaison, Aaron Drivel. Please include your name, home address, a brief description of your children's phobias, and a signed, blank personal check. We'll take it from there!

We'll review your career potential, and then arrange some off-shore details that needn't concern you. Please allow 6-8 weeks, or fifteen-to-life, depending. (attorney not included)

Remember: our success depends on you! So call now!

And if you have any questions, you can count on Aaron Drivel.