Try New Things

Neurons do not fire if they encounter what they expect.

While not precisely true, the preceding axiom perfectly describes what happens in a long-term relationship. The status quo has no effect. We have a lot of sayings for this concept in the English language: stuck in a rut, the daily grind, beating a dead whore, etc.

All of these sayings point out to us that, unless we expend the energy necessary to create something new and exciting for our partners, they won't even notice us. And by us, I mean you. Personally, I always create an environment for my wife that is novel, exciting, dangerous and slightly immoral. Some judges might even consider it grounds for divorce. But that's beside the point.

The point is that if you come home from work every day, toss your jacket on the chair, grab a drink and sit on the couch, eventually your partner will forget that you're together at all and run off with a 14-year-old Thai boy.

So I bestow unto you this advice:

Women, meet your man/boy at the door wearing nothing but a grin. Watch his favorite movie. Give him a dutch oven. Anything out of the ordinary. Remember, it's not fair for you to demand monogamy but not give me what I'd run around for in the first place, Jenny.

Men, discretion is key. Get another credit card and use that with your mistress/14-year-old Thai boy. Always call your wife "honey" or "baby" so you don't get names mixed up at the wrong time. Tell your significant other that you changed jobs and work nights now.