Trying to Change in the Family

Change is often a lot easier to talk about than it is to achieve. This is especially true in groups of people. When one person in the very special type of group we designate as a "family" wants and tries to change, the effort is often thwarted by the reluctance or even firm unwillingness of others in the family to be willing or able to change as well. Therapists who work with families call this internal resistance to allowing for change "Homeostasis." This key concept in Family Systems Theory literally means balance.

In happiness or unhappiness, family systems (units) find their own balance and way to be. This casts each member in a certain way with specific expectations and roles in the family. When one member of this system tries to change, there is an almost reflexive reaction from everyone else who, by habit and instinct, try to keep everything the way they have become accustomed to.

In physics, this phenomenon would be called inertia. Things and people tend to keep going (or not) as they are. The Newtonian law that "A body at rest (or in motion) tends to remain at rest (or in motion)" pertains directly to the idea of homeostasis in the family.

As the components/members of any system are, by definition, interdependent, in order for one member of a family to successfully change, it is ordinarily imperative that the other member of that family system be open to undergoing some change as well. Looking at things in this way quickly illustrates the utility of therapists being familiar with and able to utilize a family systems point of view.

This is a powerful and difficult reality. Changing the self is rarely an easy proposition. Trying to change anyone else is most usually a frustrating and usually unsuccessful expenditure of energy. Short of severe trauma, change comes only with 1) strong motivation and 2) a lot of effort.

In day-to-day clinical practice, there are many examples of where this principle is neither understood nor applied. This may be understandable on the part of the person who presents for some help, but is unforgivably problematic if the therapist does not understand this notion and take it into account from the very first meeting.

People often come to see a therapist because they want someone else to change. Parents come with their children because they want them to be or behave differently. Spouses come and complain about their partners, workers about their supervisors and colleagues and parents about the grandparents. This list could go one and on. In forty years of direct clinical practice, it appears that about half of the people who come, initially present with issues related to wanting someone else to change.

Because the established homeostasis of a family is a composite of every member of it, one member is not likely to be able to achieve and sustain any significant change, their own motivation and efforts notwithstanding, unless the other members of this very special group are willing and able to reconsider their own beliefs and actions.

Change may be easy to talk about but is often quite difficult to achieve. This is especially true if the person is living as a part of a family/system that is invested, consciously or otherwise, in the person remaining exactly as they are.