Trying to Talk to Myself

If anyone could look inside my mind, they would see a gerbil on fire, spinning madly around and around in his little wheel. His paws would be reaching toward endless dreams. His eyes would be lit with hope but darkened with disappointment. His heart was fierce, but it was also jagged, broken so many times. Flames sparked from defiance for he gave up before and lost half his life, but not anymore. Now, he is running toward destiny, and his thoughts are conversations that he holds with me.

I slid into the driver-seat, ready for the morning commute. The gerbil started chomping at the bit, spitting out frustrations and doubts, but I didn't answer. My hand reached for the radio, but no, not today. Today, I would drive in silence while the wheel spun madly around and around, and I would kick up my heels and discuss whatever needed to be discussed. I tried not to regurgitate the television shows or music of yesterday, but in the back of my mind, I still heard Cee Lo Green's Forget You. This angered the gerbil, who demanded my full attention, but I was busy playing Frogger on the Palisades Parkway.

The office door creaked open, loudly like the wheel inside my head. Thoughts of yesterday and tomorrow poured forth, and my hand drifted through the air, a ghost to my dreams. A step was taken, but in what direction? The door slammed shut, but the gerbil kept talking. I didn't answer. My coworkers would think me crazy, if I answered. Don't mind me. It's just the voices in my head.

I was surprised to find a coworker hunched over at their desk, muttering profusely to themselves. I was even more surprised when they answered themselves. It was a casual conversation, and questions were met with answers. A train was heading through the station, set on course, and thoughts turned and tumbled. And a sweet smile met my wandering gaze.

I bumped into her later in the bathroom. Another woman entered the stall beside hers. At first, I thought that they were talking to each other. Then, I realized that they were talking to themselves and answering themselves. I nearly laughed but covered my mouth instead. I hurried out of the bathroom, but the gerbil kicked the wheel, nearly sending me spinning over. What? I am not talking to myself.

The gerbil spun faster. I had a lot on my mind. I had made a lot of mistakes that still haunted me today. I had so many dreams that I wanted to set free, and I know that I am closer now than I had ever been. But how much further must I go to get there? This thought fed the gerbil, and he took off for the races. You know what you have to do. Yeah, yeah, but I'm lazy. And I need a kick in the rear... Damn it. Now, I'm answering myself.

"Did you say something?"

I shook my head at my coworker. My fingers tap danced over the keyboard. Assignments met my gaze, and I went to work. Time disappeared. What am I doing? This was not what I wanted. I'm trapped again, and I know it. But if I recognize that, I will despair, and I can't despair. I have to hold on. I have to.

I leaned back in my chair and raised my arms over my head. I stared up at the ceiling, listening to the creaking of the wheel. The gerbil was muttering the thoughts that I couldn't say, at least not here. My ears picked up the annoying ticking of the clock, counting away my life, but my back was to the wall. I couldn't just pick up and leave. I did like it here, but this was not my future. You know what you have to do. Yeah, yeah. I know.

I was afraid. I was always afraid of change, of starting over, and the world outside was crashing down around me. You were fortunate to have a job today, but for how long? Life was like Edgar Allan Poe's pendulum swinging closer and closer, threatening to cut the thread, but I held on. I'm trying. If I allow myself to think the worst, then it will be the pit to consume me, and I used to think the worst. Now, I scold the gerbil, telling him to be positive. Maybe, if I am positive, it will keep me on course, and I will do what I need to do to make my dreams come true. Things were already different, and the road I walked was no longer long or broken. Easy. Take it easy, and the wheel slowed down. I got so worked up these days, but I blamed the stress. Everybody was wound up tight, and that wasn't me. "No more thinking till I go home," I said.

"Did you say something?"

"Hmmmm. No." I turned toward my coworker. "I'm just talking to myself."