TSA Flushes Old Toilet Rules After Security Scare

A September 11 flight from Denver to Detroit landed safely after an unprecedented security scare. Two F-16s escorted the Detroit-bound Frontier flight from Denver to the tarmac after the crew reported suspicious activity on board. The FBI detained three passengers on arrival and conducted a thorough search of the plane because two passengers spent too long in the bathroom.

There is no indication in news reports that these passengers were together in the bathroom, and the reason for detention of the third passenger is left to the reader's imagination. Perhaps he spent too much time waiting in line to use one of the bathrooms hogged by the other two passengers?

One thing is certain, this latest security incident onboard a domestic flight is destined to change where and how Americans relieve themselves onboard aircraft. The Transportation Security Administration, in its zealousness to protect the flying public, has already flushed its old toilet restrictions and is toiling away on new ones.

A leaked copy of a memorandum to agency head John Pisstoldya highlights some of TSA's initiatives to protect air travelers from passengers taking too long in the bathroom:

* All airlines will be required to install coin meters on toilet doors by 2012. Passengers will insert a coin before entering and will be allotted 80 seconds to use the toilets. TSA considers 80 seconds generous, saying it's the upper end of the 45 to 80 second range documented by Cornell University as the average time spent on individual toilet visits. If a passenger fails to emerge from the loo within the allotted time, an alarm will sound and an air marshal will take the derelict passenger into custody.

* To minimize the risk of conspiratorial meter feeding by sympathetic passengers, toilet paper will be dispensed in single sheets, one per visit.

* Passenger-friendly PSAs during the in-flight announcements will remind passengers of the need for speed. TSA is already test-marketing the slogan "Pee and Flee."

* TSA rejected the notion of bathroom signage, reasoning that only speed readers would benefit. Instead, it will require signs on seat backs:

- "No poo in the loo" alerts passengers they don't have time to do doo-doo when visiting the bathroom.

- "2 minutes is too long" will serve as a reminder that there's no time for tooth brushing.

* Airlines unwilling to spend the necessary funds to install meters will be allowed to remove toilets from their aircraft as an alternative compliance method.

To deflect criticism that its approach is draconian, TSA plans to allow passengers detained by air marshals to be released without charges, provided authorities cannot link them to a terror plot, on condition they attend urge suppression classes to minimize the risk of future incidents.