'Twas the Night Before Black Friday: A Tiger Woods Christmas Poem

Sorry Tiger Woods, but your eventful Black Friday and all the craziness that has followed was just too good of fodder for yet another Night Before Christmas spoof. From Rachel Uchitel to Jaimee Grubbs and your crazy car accident, this Christmas poem isn't exactly full of holiday cheer, but we've got to start laughing at this craziness to get over everyone's favorite golf guy not looking so good in the public eye:

'Twas the night before Black Friday, and in Tiger Woods' home
Not a sound was heard but the buzz of a phone
Tiger Woods had forgotten to hide it somewhere
Leaving it on the table for his wife to find there

Tiger Woods was passed out in his bed
While visions of reality show babes danced through his head
He had taken his prescription meds and passed out flat
Why his wife was awakening from a short winter's nap
When from the table she heard a phone buzz
And rushed to pick it up and see who it was

A name of a woman she saw on the screen and fled
to where Tiger Woods lay passed out in bed
She was yelling and trembling and starting to shake
As she tried to get her husband to wake
He tried to explain while she clawed at his face
Stumbling and fumbling all over the place

Then to his SUV he flew in a flash
But as he sped away he heard a loud crash
Out to the accident scene his wife Elin ran
Holding a golf club firmly in hand
Bashing Tiger Woods' window, she cried
"This is for all the times that you lied!"
"This is for Jaimee Grubbs and Rachel Uchitel
and all those nights you spent with them in 5 star hotels!"
"This is for our family, and this for all the cash
that you threw away on that reality show trash!"
This is for her sleazy pictures and disgusting texts,
And this is for whomever you may stray with next!"

But then as she continued to scream and shout
She realized that her husband had passed out
So she pulled him free and made sure he was alive
As she began the long wait for the police to arrive
And as Tiger Woods began to come to
He didn't know what he was going to do
His perfect image, he knew, would surely be shattered
But he had already destroyed what really mattered

He would now face allegations of multiple affairs
With party girls with heavy makeup and fake hair
From Jaimee Grubbs to Rachel Uchitel and Kalika Moquin
It seems his line of alleged mistresses will never end
Trying to save his image he must now give the impression
That he is truly sorry for his multiple transgressions

So let this be a lesson to all men that stray
Merry Christmas to all, and remember Tiger Woods' Black Friday

SOURCES: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2450260/tiger_woods_transgressions_kalika_moquin.html?cat=49
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2437440/rachel_uchitel_pics_hot_is_tiger_woods.html?cat=2
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2447202/is_jaimee_grubbs_tiger_woods_real_mistress.html?cat=2