'Twas the Night Before Christmas: Redneck Style

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the trailer, Mama was
a yell'in, she cussed like a sailor;

The holey socks were hung by the wood stove with care, In hopes that
they wouldn't burn, they wouldn't dare;

The young'ins were doze'in all snug in their beds,
While visions of fatback danced in their heads;

Their Mama in her apron, and I with a grunt,
Had just been prepare'in for a long night's hunt;

When out on our lot arose such a raquet,
I sprang from aside my gun chest.....almost broke the bracket;

Away to the wind'a, I stumbled with glee,
Could it be a coon? Oh please let it be;

I tore through the door, flung open the screen,
The moon was a shinin with such a great glow,
I tripped on the stairs, Mama squaked "Look out below",
When what to my bloodshot eyes could I have seen;

A rusty old Dodge, on the front, the horns of a deer,
The driver was drunk and carry'n a beer;

I knew in a flash that it was my friend Erin,
He had a whole six pack and was plann'in on share'in;

He loaded up Mama, the huntin dawgs and me,
Spun out in the mud as we chugged with glee;

We called to the dawgs, in hopes they would hear,
"Now Bubba! Now John! Now Spot and Brown!
On Jack! On Ripper! On Saddie you clown!
Find us a coon or get your butts back down!"

Then out to the woods we drove like mad,
if we could just get a squirrel, we'd surely be glad;

And then in our stuper we started to think,
without vittles for Christmas,
it was really gonna stink.

Just when I was think'in we might need more beer,
The dawgs started to hollar,
The headlights, they were a shine'in on a great big deer;

I lept from the truck and fell to the ground,
missed the deer but, he was caught by a hound;

He was as big as he was strong,
His body so huge,
This deer would surely feed us all winter long;

We couldn't believe it, we drank to our luck,
What a wonderful Christmas, we got a big buck;

Mama loaded him into the truck, got in and quickly shut the door,
Her bottle now empty, she asked "Could we stop at the store?";

We drove to the store and then to the trailer,
My good buddy was so drunk, I heard him exclaim,
"Your wife is a good un, fer shore she ain't tame.",
"If I were a dawg, I'd wanna tail er"

He took one more swig and then he hollared,
"Merry Christmas to your ken folk both far and near."
"I hope your intend'in on share'in that deer"