Twenty Things Not to Do in Tuscany that You Will Never Forget

I don't like having to issue a travel advisory any better than the next guy. They can alarm many a nervous traveler and are sure to anger certain powerful special interest groups out there. But I would be neglecting my responsibilities as a bone fide freelance travel journalist if I were not to inform the general public about some of the most appalling conditions I have ever witnessed during my many travels through Tuscany. So be advised. The following destinations and activities are so stereotypical, so banal, so clichéd and trivial that the more experienced among you will have most certainly written them off long ago. And let's face it. These places are completely overrun, excessively expensive and downright difficult to get to. Practically everyone here insists on speaking Italian. The trains are not punctual. People honk their horns a lot. They eat dinner too late and their selection of Californian wine leaves a lot to be desired. But, hey, that's only part of the story. Let's get specific.

DO NOT go to Florence. There are way too many tourists here. They come here from everywhere. There are tourists from the Antarctic here. The prices are outrageous. You have to wait forever in line to do or see anything. The museums open at weird times or sometimes not at all. It's loud, dusty, and the Arno smells like, well, something you can smell back home for free. Nobody with any sense would ever come here. Stay away. But once you get here, DO NOT fail to see Michelangelo's David at the Galleria dell'Accademia (sorry, but it really is that amazing). After that, DO NOT miss the chance to climb up the steps to the top of the Duomo and be shocked by the fact that anyone, even an anyone like Brunelleschi, could have built such a breathtaking building - six hundred years ago. DO NOT forget to go to the Basilica di Santa Croce (my favorite Basilica) to see the tombs of Michelangelo, Machiavelli, Dante, Galileo and co. DO NOT avoid crossing the Ponte Vecchio and back and later visiting the Galleria degli Uffizi with one or two or three world famous works of art like, well, Botticelli's Birth of Venus or Leonardo's Adoration of the Magi. And if you like to eat really, really well then by all means DO NOT miss going to Mario's, located directly at the Piazza del Marcato Centrale (Mercato San Lorenzo). It's a very small and simple family place and is by far the best and most reasonably priced restaurant I have ever enjoyed in Italy. DO NOT forget to order their bistecca fiorentina!

DO NOT visit Pisa. And yes, once you have arrived, you will be relieved to note that the tower alone is worth the short trip out there. After your hunger for culture has been stilled, DO NOT go to Emilio (Via Cammeo 44) unless you order some of their fantastic grilled fish.

DO NOT visit Lucca. Medieval walled cities are simply not that what they used to be and tend to make one claustrophobic. You might miss all the traffic, too (no cars). You might not be one of those who cares for some of the best examples of Gothic and Romanesque architecture there are. You might not enjoy the shopping along the Via Fillungo, unless you are a woman, of course, so DO NOT go there, either. And, unless you are an opera fan, DO NOT visit Puccini's birthplace. If, however, you like fantastic Italian coffee, DO NOT miss visiting the Antico Caffè Di Simo. Did I mention that the Lucchesi olive oil is pretty good here, too?

DO NOT visit San Gimignano. It's off the beaten path and simply not worth seeing. Not unless you go for that dramatic, oddly fantastic, walled-city-with-13-medieval-skyscraper-like-towers kind of thing. And who cares if they offer the best pistachio ice cream on the planet at that little place on the corner at the Piazza della Cisterna?
You're not going so DO NOT worry about it.

And finally, DO NOT take a long and leisurely drive down "The Chianti Road" (the SS222 or La Chiantigiana). Italians do not drive like we do. They are a bit more chaotic and infinitely more courteous. While you do, and if you were smart enough to let someone else sit behind the wheel, DO NOT forget to stop occasionally to try one of their classicos or riservas. DO NOT stop at the Castello die Uzzanno (Via Uzzano 5) or the Vignamaggio (Via Petriolo 5) unless you want to know what beautiful Renaissance villas and stunning Tuscan countryside are supposed to look like. And whatever you do, DO NOT rent an apartment at one of the many farmhouses in this area for a week or two. Thousands of these places have been redesigned for that very purpose and are waiting there for you to do just that. You would find yourself all alone out here, most likely, up on a hill surrounded by beautiful vineyards, peacefully contemplating existence, drinking Chianti, taking an occasional dip in your pool, counting the pheasants. Stuff like that. So, remember, if you do, it will break your heart to have to leave a place as beautiful as this again. Where, you ask, which places? Places like Castellina, Castelnuovo or Gaiole, for starters. But there are dozens more out there, too. Just look at a map! Hey, this is Tuscany.

But don't do it!