Twenty-First Birthday at the Ugly Tuna

I bought a fifth of brandy before we drove down to Columbus. A fifth is equal to twenty fluid ounces. I found this out as I was pouring brandy into an empty twenty ounce water bottle. I stuck the water bottle down my pants. I pulled my shirt over top of it and then I was ready to go. Armed against the outrageous bar prices with my ID which was supposed to get me free drinks and my water bottle filled with brandy in case the bartenders turned out to be evil, my best friend and I exited the vehicle and made our way over to the Ugly Tuna.

Inside we sat down at the bar. A plump bartender came up and asked me what I wanted. I pulled out my ID and explained to her how I didn't have to pay. She didn't understand. She came at me with a mouth full of law.

"The health department imposed regulations on us. Too many people were getting alcohol poisoning. I'm sorry..."

That made me angry. Sorry was not what I wanted to hear! Since when did sorry help anyone?

"I'm sorry but we have to foreclose on your house."

"I'm sorry, but I'm here to repo your car."

"Dear John, I'm sorry..."

It wasn't a good sign. But I stayed positive. My friend was ready to give up. I told him that I was an idea man and I thrive on positivity. So we were approached by another bartender. This one was slimmer and looked as if she didn't absolutely hate the whole world and everything in it. I tried a different approach.

"It's my birthday." I said.

She told me Happy Birthday! I thanked her. Then I started to explain how I was supposed to get free drinks. She started to regurgitate law. Wait, I said, I won't tell anyone. I winked. I schmoozed. She let up.

"What do you want?" she said.

"Jaeger Bombs."