Twins: Pros and Cons of Separation in School

In preschool, our twins had never been separated. In fact, I would say this was one of the great benefits of having twins. They never felt alone. I had two children, single births, prior to my twins and there is a huge difference in leaving for the day with twins...and leaving a single, clinging child in a nursery. You can always say to the twin, "There is twin B (name), look what she found!" The art of distraction with a twin is so easy compared to a single child.

However, when it comes to school, the game can change. It is no longer what is best for him/her...is becomes a battle of what is best for THEM. When considering each twin, parents begin to weigh and measure, but more, they begin to seek the counsel of those who have gone before. Whether it is a tenure twin parent, counselor, friend or family, parents of twins are hungry for advice. The all prevalent question is, "What would you do?"

Our fraternal twins were so different we decided to separate them in Kindergarten. However, as luck would have it, that very year we decided to move states and by default they were thrown into the same class in the new school. So, we got to see both sides at work.

The following year, we hoped that they would be separated, but our request was heard to late, and they were in the same class in first grade. Because of this, I have been exposed to both sides and I am confident that the right choice is to separate the twins, unless...there is a lot of change on the home front.

Argument: Keeping the Twins Together

Personally, my husband and I could not imagine separating our twins. This was our hearts choice, to keep them together. We had spent years grouping "the twins." They were rarely separated and we liked that. We wanted them to "bond." It just didn't seem natural to separate two that had been together every day, every minute...even before they were born - together. Would they flounder alone? Changing from day-school to kindergarten, we reasoned it would be a security for them to stay together.

Also, in elementary school, early years, we worried about friends. Most classrooms require the WHOLE class be invited to birthday parties in early years or they will not distribute invitations. This was infinitely better to us than one being invited and one being left out...or wanting to go. It seems small, but the details of self esteem matter to parents of twins. And anything we can do to help....we will do it.

Another key factor for us was a tenure parent of twins telling us that she loved having her twins in the same class, for the sheer reason of homework. She told us that she separated her twins one year and that year was a nightmare...doing the same homework, different nights. She told us that if they have the same teacher...everything is easier for the parent. That made perfect sense to us.

But there is always the other argument...

Argument: Separating Twins in School

The principal in the elementary school at the time our twins were entering Kindergarten was a huge proponent of separating twins. He felt it relieved the burden of comparison, allowed the twins to grow independently and gave them a fair shot at having their own identity. When we called to talk to him, he even recited examples of twins that had been separated, as opposed to twins kept together. His testimony was a huge weight in our decision - very convincing.

I specifically remember the principal saying, "No single birth child has the security of a twin in kindergarten, they go-it-alone and most have a great year." I had never considered that it would be more like they were an only child going into a classroom alone. Maybe that would be better.

In addition, this principal gave us examples of the relief it gave his staff. In my mind, it was easier for the teacher to deal with one parent. But in his experience, a teacher would rather deal with one twin as opposed to the potential dynamic of siblings in the same class.

I liked the idea of separating my twins for all the reasons he said. And that is what we chose to do...separate. Thankfully, the school honored our request.

It was a glorious 8 months. The twin we suspected would struggle alone (the socially weaker of the two) flourished. Her vocabulary doubled. She was starting to read. She was totally happy and had friends of her own. Adversely, the twin we suspected would thrive alone, suffered a little. It was totally unexpected, but her power was decreased on her own two feet without her less secure twin, and she had to gain her own footing - which was not a bad thing. It was a reality check. And over the months, she settled and began to be as independent as always. We were proud of our decision. It seemed to be the right thing for us.

8 months later, we decided to move.

Constant in Change

In the change of a move, all the players and pieces change. For a kindergartener, this can be hard. When the new school told us they would be in the same class due to headcount, we were almost relieved. With so much change at hand, we thought it would be a nice constant for them. They both progressed and finished out the school year with honors. We had same-class success...for a while.

Fast Forward a Year: Same Class Setting Proves No Good

After that year, we decided not to stress about it and make any request. This was a mistake. In first grade, our twins were placed together. The more dominant twin took her dominant place in academia and socially. It killed our less advanced twin. It was the hardest year of our lives. Our less advanced twin, who thrived one year earlier independent of her twin, suffered to the point of near failure.

For this reason, I am convinced; twins in a secure place and time should be separated. They should be allowed to flourish and grow at their own pace, make friends of their own and be invited to parties that are exclusive to them. I urge parents of twins, if you are struggling with this decision and your twins are secure at home and in routine, you are probably doing them a favor in separation (even if that means double the homework!)

However, if change is at hand on the home front, keep them together. Twins cue on insecurity as much as anyone and if too many pieces of life's puzzle change (like a move,) it is probably best for them to have each other as a constant - if only for a while.

I am sure as parents we try to make the best decisions at the time with the information we have. And in the end, we try to listen to our hearts. Sometimes, we may look back and say, "Yep, we goofed." But I once heard someone say that life is about change and if we do not equip our children to change, are we really equipping them for life? So, if we look back and realize we made a change for the worse, we need to trust that it's never too late to recover. After all, we may have just done our children the biggest favor of all...prepare them for life!