"Two and a Half Men" Without Charlie Sheen: Man the Lifeboats, ‘Cause She’s Goin’ Down!

For all those fans of the CBS television sitcom Two and a Half Men who worried that the show wouldn't be as good without Charlie Sheen in the starring role: your worst fears are well founded.

To put it succinctly: Two and a Half Men without Charlie Sheen in it... stinks.

And although it's not his fault, Two and a Half Men with Ashton Kutcher in it... stinks a lot.

I've been an on again-off again fan of Two and a Half Men since it debuted in 2003. In its early years, I was an every-week watcher; I thought the concept - two bachelor brothers, one an obscenely wealthy womanizing alcoholic, and the other an obscenely geeky divorced chiropractor with an overweight, dorky eight year old son - all living together in the rich guy's Malibu hideaway - was fantastic. The situations were hilarious, the scripts crackled, the jokes were non-stop and actually funny, and the chemistry between Charlie Sheen and co-stars Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones was second to none.

As Two and a Half Men's seasons wore on, the show's quality seemed to remain consistently pretty high, although I began to gradually realize that there's only so much you can do with the same situations, the same sexually laden jokes, and the same neuroses on the part of the show's main characters. I began to lose interest in Two and a Half Men, and by 2010, was only occasionally watching it.

My interest was certainly revived in the wake of Charlie Sheen's emotional meltdown in early 2011, when his drug- and alcohol-addled behavior spilled into public view, in the form of spousal abuse and a series of hate-filled rants against Two and a Half Men's creators and producers. I followed the ongoing saga of the firing of Sheen and his replacement by Ashton Kutcher during the summer of 2011. And I looked forward to the new season of Two and a Half Men with great anticipation…

Now, five episodes into the new season, I find myself greatly disappointed with how the show is developing with the new cast. Disappointed almost to the point of giving up watching it altogether.

To begin with, the show's writers and creators' handling of Sheen's departure was completely classless and obviously based on their need to vilify their ex-star through his character. The season began with two linked episodes, "Nice to Meet You, Walden" and "People Who Love Peepholes," during which, at Charlie Harper's funeral, Charlie's death is explained as a not-so-mysterious "accident" at a train station in Paris, where his body "exploded like a balloon full of meat." All of Charlie's ex-girlfriends and other female conquests are present at the funeral to disparage the deceased, in a series of jokes that can only be described as verbally "piling on" Charlie Harper, and by extension, Charlie Sheen himself.

Ashton Kutcher makes his grand entrance about midway through the episode "Nice to Meet You, Walden." He plays Walden Schmidt, an obscenely wealthy young dot-com multi-billionaire, who tries to commit suicide right outside Charlie Harper's Malibu house. Of course, Charlie's brother Alan (Cryer), who's still living there, rescues and consoles him, and it goes on predictably from there. Walden turns out to be hopelessly and obsessively in love with his about-to-be ex-wife, and an emotional wreck… but not so much of a wreck that he doesn't end up in bed with two women at the same time by the end of the first episode.

And it all goes downhill from there…

Here's my overall take on Two and a Half Men, now that five episodes have been broadcast:

The jokes are not as funny. With Sheen in the show, there was a nice blend of in-your-face, broad humor and subtle sexual innuendo. The writers have abandoned this in favor of a constant stream of penis-and-masturbation jokes that are in very poor taste and offend sensibilities, even in this "enlightened" time. To be sure, there are some very funny moments - a stoned Walden and Bertha eating "herbal" baked goods in the episode "A Giant Cat Holding a Churro" comes to mind - but for the most part, the humor is overly crude, contrived, and tasteless.

The ensemble feel is gone. Ashton Kutcher has his moments of being pretty funny as Walden, but he just doesn't fit in with the rest of the cast… yet. Maybe he will - eventually - but it ain't happened yet. In addition, there's what I call the "Angus" problem. Co-star Angus T. Jones is no longer the roly-poly, sorta loveable, dorky kid that's the "half man" in the title. Now he's a post-pubescent, tall, skinny teen-ager with the typical sardonic attitude toward his surroundings. Even Jon Cryer's character has changed, becoming more embittered. In all, it makes for a loss of that "ensemble" feel that existed in prior seasons.

Everyone's trying too hard: Everything seems forced on the show now. Perhaps Charlie Sheen's departure is felt more keenly than anyone cares to admit, and as a result, everyone's trying too hard to make things work without him.

MY VERDICT: I think it's time for everyone connected with Two and a Half Men to "man the lifeboats," 'cause right now, the show looks like it's goin' down. And it's not just because Charlie Sheen "has left the bridge." The show's main stars appear tired, Angus T. Jones has grown up, and the writers seem bent on verbally savaging their former main star. Overall, it makes for a pretty dismal half-hour of TV on CBS on Monday nights at 9:00 p.m.

Monday Night Football, anyone…?