Two Ways to Keep a Healthy Relationship

Lots of books and internet gurus claim to have the secrets to a successful, healthy relationship, particularly in marriage. Such tips often include drawn-out metaphors about communication and details about the minutiae of the differences between the sexes. They also typically emphasize that you cannot change your partner in a relationship, no matter how hard you try.

The reality is not that complicated. Two pretty easy activities will help keep a healthy relationship healthy.

The relationship must have a strong basis for it to work. It can't usually be built on pure sexual attraction or have any kind of abuse. But if it has a good, healthy start, it can remain so for decades.

The first way to keep that healthy relationship is through change. The idea that we cannot change and should never expect change in a relationship is outrageous. We are constantly undergoing changes, often changes that make us better people in the end. In this instance, each partner asks the other to make one significant change, something that will eliminate irritation or increase affection toward each other. This might be something as simple as one asking the other to put clothes in the hamper instead of the floor, to spend no more than two nights a week late at work, or maybe something more like to stop yelling when discussing money.

When preparing for this conversation, you should think about what your partner does that you most want to change. It does need to be reasonable, however, and it needs to be a behavior, not a belief or an emotion. In my marriage, for instance, my husband can't really ask me to stop getting angry when I am on the phone with him, but he can ask me to stop hanging up on him.

Then be diligent yourself in working on this issue, and be forgiving of your partner. If my husband puts the dishes in the dishwasher twice and then slips and puts them in the sink, I shouldn't lose it. We all may need reminders, but they should be polite.

The second way to keep a healthy relationship is to make time for each other. This is a two-fold point. First, set aside at least one hour weekly to spend only with each other. Turn off the tv, send the kids to the neighbor's house, and unplug the phone. This is one hour for you to focus only on each other. One of the primary reasons marriages fail is because couples feel they are no longer special to the other. This focused time helps eliminate that feeling.

Then, at least every three months, take a vacation together, just the two of you. It can be just for a weekend, but it needs to be for your time together. Meeting another couple someplace or going where one partner can fish while the other shops is not the kind of vacation you need. This is one where you spend your time together. Believe it or not, spending time in forced proximity like this is also a very good way to mend the fences when you have had problems, both big and small. Even though you may feel like spending such a weekend with your partner is the last think you want to do right now, you are likely to return after the period with a very different attitude.

These two easy activities can keep any relationship healthy. Asking a partner to change a negative behavior is not a horrible thing. And spending time for just the two of you may seem selfish but will make the family unit happier and stronger in the long run. In a marriage, you have made a lifetime commitment to each other. Keeping the relationship healthy is much easier than trying to fix it once it has fallen apart.