Types of Power in a Relationship

In a relationship or marriage there is a need to communicate effectively, and through this communication develops power on one end or the other. Power is not always a bad thing, but it does have the ability to become something that can make or break how that relationship is going to turn out in the long-run. When a person is displaying a "good" use of power many good things can be accomplished within a relationship. This type of power helps to better each person's emotional state and wellbeing. But, on the other hand, when a person demonstrates a "bad" use of power, a relationship becomes solely about manipulation and deception in order for one's personal gain.

It is inevitable that one member of a relationship will find themselves displaying some form of power at one time or another in their relationship. "Power is defined as the ability to provide or withhold resources or administer punishments in specific relationships (Anderson & John 2003)*. Based on this definition of power we can access that power in relationships can vary based on the state of the relationship. It is based on this conclusion that one can derive that power will take many forms depending on what state the relationship is in. If a relationship is in a bad state, the power may take the form of physical or mental abuse, being something that inflicts and instills fear in to the other member of the couple. But, based on this, when there is a "good" display of power then one can conclude that the relationship is in a state where both people are emotionally and physically in a good state with one another.

A good example of power is exercising the use of discussion and explaining as a constructive means to hold power with in a relationship. By discussing an issue instead of being irrational it helps to focus a discussion in a productive and satisfying way. When a couple uses this tactic it "…builds positive feelings of satisfaction in the relationship" (DeGenova & Rice, 2002). Couples who question and answer instead of arguing also establish a better form of communication and resolution to problems within their relationship.

Another example of a "good" form of power within a relationship is the use of negotiating. Instead of trying to win every argument to always get your way it is more constructive and healthier for a relationship if there is some sort of bargain made, or a compromise reached. When both people find a way to each get a little of what they want then they will be better satisfied with the results of each disagreement.

Along with "good" power there is also "bad" power. This power can display itself in the form of criticism. Criticizing a person can be one of the most destructive forms of "bad" power, because it not only belittles a person, but it attacks them mentally and makes them feel inadequate. When a person is criticized by another, especially in front of other people, that person can feel as if nothing they do is good enough for the other. They can feel helpless and their self-worth can begin to erode. A person can also criticize another and in the process transfer their own mental instability to the other, "…people are quite susceptible to the social transmission of emotion." (Anderson & John, 2003). This shows that if a person is suffering for a lack of self-esteem or assurance, that their criticism of another person can actually be their transmission of their own mental dissatisfaction.

In my previous relationship I experienced a "bad" display of power from my ex-boyfriend. Our relationship was not in its healthiest state and that made it susceptible to the physical abuse that I received from him. Because he had such a strong emotional power over me, I allowed him to establish a physical form of power over me that seemed too strong to break away from. Another form of power that my ex-boyfriend displayed in our relationship was punishing. He would make demands and if I did not fufill his needs or complete the tasks that he told me to do then he would find ways to punish me. He would give me the silent treatment, hit me, or criticize me until I felt sorry enough that I could not live up to his expectations.

Power, in general, is something that we need to keep a close watch on in a relationship. It is something that can not only give a person control over another, but it also can determine how the other person feels in the relationship. If a person is constantly criticized they may feel as if they are meaningless and that nothing they do will satisfy the other person. That person may walk away from the relationship feeling as if they are not good enough for anyone else, and therefore have trouble in future relationships. But, on the other hand, power can be something that drives a relationship to accomplish great things such as compromising. When power is the motivating source to reach a common agreement then it is serving a "good" purpose. This is when each party has a push-pull factor to add in decisions and disagreements, and the tool of power is used simply to be a means to a greater understanding of each persons needs and wants within that relationship.

* http://imagesrvr.epnet.com/embimages/pdh2/psp/psp8451054.