Ultimatums: Why They Don't Work

Ultimatums. They sound like such a quick and easy solution to getting what we want. Yet, that is the problem, getting what 'we' want. A relationship is made of two people and when one extends an ultimatum, both suffer. People give ultimatums because things aren't going their way; they are selfish, impatient and insecure. Ultimatums rarely work. They usually end up with the receiver becoming defensive and uncooperative, even if they accept the ultimatum for what it is.

The following is a guide to ultimatums, why we use them, why they don't work, and techniques to use instead.

Why do we, as women, present an ultimatum?

1. We are selfish.

Ultimates are usually self serving. People use them to benefit themselves; it's a forceful way to get what they want.

2. Ultimatums stem from fear and desperation.

People use ultimatums when they feel out of control. They use an ultimatum to try to regain control of a situation.

3. We are insecure.

People who are insecure will go to desperate measures to value their self worth. However, ultimatums usually backfire and the people who make them rarely ever follow through with the dilemma they present.

Why do ultimatums not work?

1. Ultimatums create resentment.

When someone presents an ultimatum they are limiting the receiver's choices and forcing a decision between the two. For instance, if a wife feels her husband loves his job more than he loves her, she might offer the ultimatum, "If you don't change professions, I'm leaving!" To start, it's very unlikely that the husband loves his career more than his wife. Second, he will choose his wife and kids and quit his job, finding something less challenging that offers more hours at home. While this can be good overall for the family, it will make him resent his wife for forcing him to give up a career he enjoyed. Instead of an ultimatum, she could have pointed out the benefits of choosing a different career path and allowing him to make the decision on his own and at his own pace. Even though the wife gets what she wants, her husband's love for her will be cooled.

2. You can't change a person.

The real question here is, why do we want someone to change? For our own well-being or theirs? Either way, you can't force someone to change, they have to be willing on their own terms. You have to accept your man for who he is. This is a common fault among most women; we fall in love with a man then try to be their mothers. We think we can change him into the man we want him to be. We need to take a good look at ourselves. When we try to change a man, the only thing he sees is that he's not good enough and that we think of ourselves as better than him. Which is not true on either account. Women have just as many faults as men, so who are we to judge and be self-righteous?

3. Ultimatums create a loss of respect.

Men lose their respect for our feminine qualities when we offer an ultimatum. Ultimatums are a form of control and we all know a man likes to be in charge. When men lose their respect for womanhood they unleash their rebellious streak and they respond with resistance and anger. For example, a close friend of mine called me distressed one night. Her husband was out drinking with a friend and she had become upset because this was the fourth night in a row he had gone out to a bar. She had told him to be home by nine o'clock or she was taking the kids and staying with her mother. His response? OK, I'll be home a little after two in the morning then. See, a man thinks of his home, of his wife, as a safe haven. She is someone he can be himself around and be secure in who he is as a man. If she doesn't offer those qualities, he'll seek it somewhere else.

What to do instead.

If you give the ultimatum, "If you don't help me clean up after dinner, I'm going to stop cooking for you."

You give this ultimatum because you feel unappreciated, but did you do this to yourself? For example, when I was first married we moved to a different state so I was unemployed. I took on all the household responsibilities and waited on my husband hand and foot. Then I started working. I automatically assumed he would help with the daily chores, but he didn't. I became frustrated and angry and started a fight. What I didn't realize was that he was unaware of the stress and responsibility of working and running a household. All I had to do was ask for his help.

Instead of giving him an ultimatum, say, "I'm overwhelmed with the stress of working all day. Would you mind helping me with the dishes so I have more time to relax and enjoy my evening with you?"

If you give the ultimatum, "If you keep going out with your friends and coming home drunk, I'm not having sex with you."

You give this ultimatum because you feel neglected and out of control, so you deny him sexual privileges so he feels the same way. Men need their guys nights just like we need our girls nights. Don't deny him his guy time; he needs time away from you to kick back and be immature. However, if his guy time is frequent, you need to evaluate the relationship. There could be something that is bothering him, like work or finances and he's using his guys as an escape. Get to the root of the problem, then make a compromise.

Instead of giving him an ultimatum, express your true feelings. You are wanting emotional satisfaction and his devotion, tell him this.

If you give the ultimatum, "You have six months to propose, or we're done."

You're giving him this ultimatum because you want his commitment. First of all, ultimatums don't make for a solid marriage. If you force someone into an engagement you're obviously not on the same page, and trust me, you want to be on the same page if you are entering into a marriage. Don't force someone that isn't ready to make a lifelong commitment.

Instead of giving him an ultimatum, ask him how he will know when he is ready or what is it that is preventing him from making a commitment?

Rather than give your man an ultimatum, tell him what you need from him. Men love the challenge and want to feel needed in the relationship as well. Come to a compromise and understand and respect his reasons for doing what he does. There is nothing more rewarding than loving a man who returns the affection.