Unborn Baby with One Arm, One Eye, and One Leg Shares Its Opinion on Abortion

Columbus-Early Wednesday, an unborn and unnamed baby known by anti-abortion activists simply as 'The One' (and not just because it currently only has one eye) arrived at the Ohio Statehouse to testify against abortion using kick language. It was part of a move by the anti-abortion organization Right2Kick to permanently outlaw abortion by proving once and for all that babies are unequivocally against it.

The proceeding began at 9:00 a.m. sharp with 'The One's' mother, 34-year-old Stephanie Isicoff, proving she was pregnant by undergoing an in-court ultrasound courtesy of Doctor Huck Thune. Right2Kick President Melissa Jackson then took the floor to introduce herself.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Melissa Jackson and I am the founder of Right2Kick, an anti-abortion organization that believes every unborn child has the right to be heard," Melissa explained to a courtroom chockfull of reporters, court workers, Right2Kick activists, and, of course, 'The One.' "We feel that just because an unborn baby lacks fully developed arms, ears, eyes, genitals, legs, a mouth, and a brain doesn't mean it doesn't have an opinion."

"So in 2010 my staff and I set out to find a way to communicate with an unborn baby," she continued amid gasps of shock and confusion, "and a year later we stumbled on kick language, a revolutionary new form of nonverbal communication that allows an unborn baby to respond to a question with a yes, no, or unsure answer by merely delivering a kick to the right, left, or middle of its mother's belly."

Melissa then went on to introduce 'The One,' whom she claimed was chosen for his "extraordinary kicking abilities"; describe the questioning process, which had been thoroughly checked beforehand by a third-party scientist hired by Ohio's Republican Party; and list out her other capabilities (just in case this didn't work out), which included the ability to also speak with the dead. Whether or not a spirit knocks a lamp over to the right or left can indicate a yes or no answer.

Following the introductions, 'The One' was ordered to swear an oath by kicking a Bible that was placed on his mother's stomach. The questioning began immediately afterward.

"Would you like to be aborted?" Melissa asked.

The court stood motionless and quiet as 'The One' reflected on the question for approximately thirty minutes, during which time its mother gently rubbed the left side of her belly; she had a stomach ache. Then at approximately 10:15 a.m., 'The One' delivered a quick left kick, causing Right2Kick members to erupt into cheers of jubilation. 'The One' went on to deliver two more right kicks, one left kick, and two middle kicks, but they were attributed to its excitement, as it had just become the first baby to ever testify in court.

After the commotion settled, Melissa went on to ask four more questions:

"Is abortion moral?"

"Is abortion Godly?"

"If you were to one day become pregnant by rape, assuming you're born a girl, would you consider aborting your baby?"

"Is there any reason on Earth for which you would permit the horrendous act known as abortion?"

'The One' took twenty to thirty minutes per question to deliberate, but he always answered with a left kick. And each left kick was subsequently followed with another batch of excited left, right, and middle kicks. Strangely enough, its mother's stomach ache didn't finally settle down until right after the last question was answered.

Regardless, 'The One' officially cemented Right2Kick's stance that all babies are indeed against abortion. All that remains now is for the evidence acquired at the proceeding to be forwarded to the Supreme Court, which Melissa hopes will rule to permanently outlaw abortion all across the United States.

"I cannot begin to express how happy I am at this moment," Melissa later told reporters. "With the help of the 'The One,' we finally have everything we need to put an end to the sick and twisted lies of the pro-choice movement."

"I mean really, who can possibly deny such irrefutable evidence?"

Moral of the story: Unborn babies shouldn't be called into court.