Uncle Sam, Inc

"Well, we can't all work for the government."

Remember that joke our dads used to make? Ha ha.

I remember those days. Well, a little. Mostly, I remember watching Laura Petrie wearing Capri pants on The Dick Van Dyke Show. I remember having feelings for Laura similar to those that MSNBC reporters say they have for Barack Obama.

But lately, it seems nobody in America is hiring except the government. In fact, the only non-governmental sector that's surviving is a small scrum of motels along the Indiana state line. And they're only hanging on because they're booked solid with holed-up politicians from places like Illinois, Wisconsin, and Yemen, who are hiding out so they won't have to do anything risky, like make a budget, or vote.

"But we can't all work for the government." Ha ha. Ha ha ha.

In California, there are now approximately 289 skillion people on the state's payroll. And those 289 skillion government employees have a guaranteed retirement, plus unlimited Capri pants.

But they don't make anything. They don't build anything. They all have to paid by people who make stuff - the "private sector." And there are only three people left in California who actually make stuff. (The stuff they make is payroll software ... guess who buys the software.)

You see where it leads. The math's not that tricky. Eventually, for every five government employees who are promised a pension, there will be an underlying supporting work force of ... well, of zero. Nobody. Nobody's left, and nobody has to pay for everybody.

Ultimately, the pyramid flips. And didn't Bernie Madoff just go to prison for "opportunities" like that?

Still, if nobody's hiring but our odd Uncle, we've limited options. It only makes sense that we all hop on the Public Sector gravy train - except for that whole "there's no money" thing. But we'll worry about that later, eh, Bernie?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

And so, to help you prepare for your new career, let's take this quick 20-question US Civics Quiz.

Ready? Let's begin:

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1) What kind of government does the United States have?

a. A bisexual camera
b. A bilateral ligature
c. It's the illegitimate love child of Lady Liberty and Uncle Sam.
d. The kind that hides in motel rooms

2) How many branches of government do we have?

a. Three: the Head, the Thorax, and the Minutemen
b. Three: the Gerald Ford, the Jerry Lewis, and the Gerrymander
c. Two: the DMV and the IRS
d. Three: the Executive, the Honeymoon, and the Queen-Size (ask about our breakfast bar!)

3) How many states do we have?

a. Three: Awake, Asleep, and Tenured
b. Does Arizona still count?
c. According to the President, there are fifty-seven.
d. How many states of what?

4) Who has the ability to declare war?

a. John Wayne
b. The President, but he has to tell Congress first, so they can go hide in a hotel until after the vote.
c. Any citizen can declare war, but they can't declare it in a crowded movie theatre.
d. My ex-wife

5) Who becomes President if both the President and Vice President die?

a. The Speaker of the Senate. After that, we all take turns.
b. I think it depends on what inning we're in.
c. Frank Sinatra
d. Either one of the two Arlen Specters, but not both

6) Name one requirement a person must meet in order to be eligible to become President.

a. They should form an exploratory committee, whose job is to eat food at the Iowa state fair.
b. They should have had their soul surgically removed, and replaced with a camera-activated grin generator.
c. They should have been born, but that's not really a deal-breaker anymore.
d. Bucketloads of cash

7) What is the correct introduction to the Constitution?

a. The Free Amble
b. The Pentateuch
c. Four scores and something, something, followed by Christina Aguilera singing the National Antler
d. "Hello, Constitution."

8) What is the supreme law of the United States?

a. The Ten Demandments
b. The USS Constitution. Or the USS Enterprise. One of those.
c. Never send your fullback on a post pattern when the defense is showing blitz.
d. Do unto others before they do unto you.

9) What do we call a change to the Constitution?

a. A commencement
b. A long-overdue effort to get guns back on the streets, where they belong
c. A reason for yet another book from Glenn Beck
d. Judicial activism

10) What is the Bill of Rights?

a. A list of the 100 easiest companies to sue
b. Wait a minute! That's part of the driver's exam, isn't it?
c. All the stuff the Founding Fathers meant to include, but forgot, after Samuel Adams showed up with the lager wagon
d. An enumeration of inalienable rights, which made sense prior to a non-enumerated flood of illegal inaliens

11) The Constitution has how many Amendments?

a. Two per state, and they amend for six years
b. There are still ten, even though Moses dropped them.
c. Nobody knows for sure, cause the ACLU keeps hiring more lawyers.
d. If I count the Bill of Rights as one, can I use the Ten-Amendments-Or-Less lane?

12) The first ten Amendments to the Constitution are known as what?

a. Poor Richard's Almanac
b. The subject of Glenn Beck's last 875 books
c. America, Take One
d. In some circles, they're called "optional."

13) Name one right guaranteed by the First Amendment.

a. Basic cable
b. The right to arm bears
c. Hot Pockets
d. The right to be offended and then march around in public holding up unbelievably misspelled signs

14) Which is part of the Judicial branch at the Federal level?

a. Sonia Sotomayor and the Supremes, Greatest Hits, Volume II
b. Laura Petrie and the Pips
c. Tom Petty and the Tortbreakers
d. We don't have any Jews at the Federal level.

15) Who selects the Supreme Court justices?

a. Now that Simon's gone, Randy and J Lo, I guess
b. The legal firm managing the estate of Diana Ross
c. Some guy in Georgetown who sells black robes on eBay
d. Whoever wins "First Monday in October" Bingo Night at the Old Justices' Retirement Home

16) How many Supreme Court justices are there?

a. Two per state, and they justify for six years
b. Five. A soprano, alto, tenor, and bass, plus one extra alto, to handle tie-breakers.
c. How many are there where?
d. Let's see: there's Grumpy, Sneezy, Dopey, Doc ...

17) Why are there 100 Senators in the Senate?

a. Early Massachusetts prisons could only house 100 felons at a time.
b. Some kind of Y2K computer glitch
c. We're not really sure, but here's a clue: "100 bottles of beer on the wall..."
d. The Founders couldn't imagine any more zeros; else, we'd now have 14 trillion Senators.

18) How many full terms may a Senator serve?

a. One at a time. Then they have to get re-indicted.
b. Depends. How much money they got?
c. Fifteen-to-twenty, with time off for good behavior
d. Where did you get this confused idea that they actually serve?

19) Which of the following is not an enumerated right granted to members of the US Congress?

a. Unusually odd faces and hairstyles (this is not an enumerated right, but it sure does keep happening)
b. The right to vote on stuff you can't pronounce, like "nucular" energy
c. The right to hide investments in the stock market, to hide real estate in Aruba, or to hide out in an Indiana motel room
d. Your wallet (although an Amendment is being considered)

20) When two or more Senators approach an intersection, who has the right-of-way?

a. Whichever Senator has managed to get the intersection named after her/him
b. The one who's farthest to the left
c. Whoever's in the pocket of the paving company
d. It's a moot point. There are no intersections in Aruba.

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BONUS QUESTION

21) Name one benefit derived from US membership in the United Nations.

a. You asked us that last week. We're still stumped.
b. You're kidding, right?

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Well, there it is, then. Hope you enjoyed our little quiz! And good luck with your career in Civil Service!

(For a list of Indiana motel phone numbers, send $25 to the Laura Petrie museum, 100 Capri Lane, Aruba.)