Unconditional Love: Calling Fathers to Action

I've received a ton of parenting advice in the eighteen years that I've been a dad, and what's interesting is that by far and away the majority of the advice is from people who have never even seen or met my kids.

You may be happy or perhaps distraught to find out that nearly all the advice that has come into one of my ears has passed straight through and out the other ear.

People have actually told me that they know the magical key to raising a "good kid."

One person says to never ever let your child crawl into bed with you. Another person says that the "family bed" is the only way to go.

One person says to never ever pick up a crying kid. Another person says to always pick up a crying kid.

I've heard: spank; never spank; discipline; never discipline; homeschool your kids; never homeschool your kids; give your kids everything they want; and provide your kids with a spartan environment.

I've seen parents who allow their children to run amok, and I've seen parents who rule with the "children should be seen but not heard" mentality.

Certainly it's the case that parents need to figure out where they stand on those kinds of issues, but I contend that NONE of those approaches is the magical key. I've seen what works and I've seen what doesn't work.

The key is unconditional love. Without unconditional love, none of the rest of that stuff matters at all.

Now, before I go further with this, let me point out I am not ever going to claim to be a perfect parent. I've made my share of mistakes, some of them huge.

But I've also seen how my kids are turning out. I'm not talking about intelligence or developing talent or anything like that. All kids are different and unique in those areas. I'm talking about growing kids who are thoughtful and considerate, loving and kind, respectful and decent, confident but humble, and mature and civilized.

The foundation of parenting has to be love, straight pure unconditional love. That means you love your kids no matter what.

Every father will say he loves his kids. That's easy, we say. But, really, is it easy? I guess it's fair to ask two questions right here. Do you have a firm handle on what it means to love your kids? And do you demonstrate that love to your kids so that they know for certain, and it's written in their hearts, that you love them?

This kind of love is different than being fond of your kid. This kind of love is different than thinking your kid is soft and cuddly.

Demonstrating unconditional love isn't something that comes with words. It's not on a holiday card or something you say on the way home from church. It comes through your actions.

Unconditional love means that you are willing to give up that thing that is most precious to you, which for most of us is time.

Unconditional love means that when you're on the computer and your child comes in with a question; when you're reading a magazine and your child comes into the room; when you're getting ready to head out the door to go to work; and your child seems lost, you stop what you're doing and you listen. You listen and absorb with empathy and compassion.

Unconditional love means that you're so in tune with your kids that you know something's up before the first word is even uttered. You can tell when your child is frustrated; you can tell when your child needs to talk; you can tell when your child isn't himself.

Most fathers will say that they would give up their lives for their kids. Well dads, you have that opportunity every day. Do you give up that television program? Do you give up that date with your buddies for whatever activity? Do you give up that alone time that you've been craving all week? If you can't even do that, how can you possibly say you would give up your life?

Now's the time, dads.

All the rest of effective parenting - the discipline, the accountability, the responsibility that you give your kids - all rests on a base of unconditional love.

It's a rare evening in our family when we sit and watch television for entertainment. I would rather - we would rather - spend time interacting, playing a board game, or doing some other activity where there is involvement with each other instead of with the television set.

Every child hears the words, "I love you," from their parents. If your kids were to stand up in court and, under oath, be asked to give evidence showing that you demonstrated love for them, would they be able to do it?

How would your child answer any of the following questions:

"Does your dad spend an hour or more each day talking with you, listening to you, finding out how your day has gone, and learning what problems you're encountering?"

"Can you name three times when your dad had plans for some activity and he changed them so that he could attend to your needs? Can you name one time?"

"When was the last time your dad told you he loves you and you felt like he really meant it?"

"When was the last time your dad answered a question for you, instead of telling you to go see your mother?"

"When was the last time your dad made you laugh?"

"When was the last time your dad did anything that made you remember how much you love him?"

Now, all this being said, here's the kicker. There are times when it's appropriate for you to tell your kid, "I'm sorry, but now's not a good time." There are times when it's appropriate to say no.

The point is, the foundation of unconditional love should be so firmly entrenched that when you do say no, when you do tell your child that whatever he wants will have to wait until tomorrow, he or she will still feel that unwavering base of love from you.

There should never, ever, be anything that brings a doubt to that certainty.

That's the goal. So what are you waiting for? Get started!