Uncover The Truths of Disney's Cinderella

Cinderella is definitely a step up from Snow White. She's a hard-worker and she's been through a lot. Her dad died when she was young and now she's at the mercy of complete evilness. She is, in fact, the only Disney princess who becomes a princess strictly by marriage. Perhaps that's what adds to her charm. That's right, girls! Even you can become a fairy tale princess! All you gotta do is scrub some floors, befriend some talking mice, and oh yeah, be an orphan.

1a. If you're an orphan, you can be a princess!
Oh cursed middle-class. You either have to be filthy rich to be a princess or, well, just filthy. Is it possible that the Cinderella story has matricidal undertones? Surely, no one would go to such lengths for a man but then again, I read People so sadly, I know that they would. I, of course, would rather have my mom and dad than Prince William, but I also have a soul.

However...

1b. If your mom dies when you are little, run away before your dad can remarry. Because, it's gonna be bad.
In fact, just run away whenever. Pop's ticker ain't working well,so you might as well get out of there before it blows. I never understood why Cinderella stayed around. She was young, beautiful. She could have easily ran off to Hollywood and became a movie star (I mean, she definitely could have gotten a job at Disneyland).

2. Don't trust talking mice to make you a dress. Those bastards steal.
I never knew that mice could sew, but apparently they are kleptomaniacs, too. Great idea, Gus, stealing from two of Cinderella's biggst enemies. Of course, I wonder how observant they could be when...

3. No one will recognize you if you wear a fancy dress and a tiara.
So, Cindy shows up to the dance with a ball gown on and suddenly, she's a mystery? Really? Yeah, no one recognizes me in a tiara, either. I wear one when I want to be left alone. And speaking of wearing a tiara, isn't that a little presumptuous of her showing up wearing a tiara. Or is it foreshadowing? Clever, Walt, clever.

4. It is possible to have a very unique shoe size.
How the hell is it possible for no one in the rest of the kingdom to have the same size foot as Cinderella? I may not wear a size 7, but I'm fairly certain that if I lost a shoe, someone within a 5 mile radius would fit into it.

5. Fairy Godmothers are enigmas... enigmas that can make your dreams come true... but only for a few hours.
First off, where did this Fairy Godmother come from and why was she such a big surprise? Was she at her christening? I mean, if I were Cinderella, I would have summoned this crazy Bippity-Boppity-Boo lady years ago. And furthermore, what kind of Fairy Godmother was she anyhow? She lets Cinderella go years and years toiling away and sitting in a fireplace only to show up for a dance? My Godmother may not have had magical powers, but she was always there for me. And not just for prom!

6. Cinderella was WAY ahead of "The Secret"
In the song "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes" there is a line that says "If I keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true." I think the author of "The Secret" ripped ole' Walt off. Of course, that's rubbish, anyway. Think about it. Oh, so if I keep wishing to win the lottery, I'll win the lottery? I think not, my friend. There's more to achieving goals than wishing. Like buying a ticket.

7. Singing can give you the false hope that your life really doesn't suck... but so can Lithium.
Why the hell was Cinderella so damn happy anyway? Positive outlook on life? Was it all that singing and humming? Was she just dislussional? Did her evil stepmother slip her something? How happy can you be if you have no living relatives, you scrub floors for a living, and your only aspiration in life is to fall in love? I wouldn't know, but I'll be sure to ask that orphaned janitor on match.com.

8. By the way, who wants to marry someone who doesn't even recognize them?
I realize that the human memory does not recall everything, but if the prince was sooo captivated that he enlisted a team of servants to launch a full-fledged search for his love, you'd think he'd at least remember what she looked like! At least, he'd surely remember that it wasn't one of Cinderella's stepsisters. Who could forget those booties?! Baby got back!

Speaking of which...

9. What is up with her step-sisters looking like one of those rap-guy's girlfriends?
Good thing Prince Charming wasn't Sir-Mix-A-Lot because Cinderella would be stuck in the attic while her Step-Sisters were on a yacht in St. Tropez sipping on Cristal.

Of course, none of these points matter. The real reason Cinderella is such a big hit is because it has to do with shoes. What girl doesn't want to be whisked away by a handsome prince while trying on an amazing shoe?