Understanding Your Child to Effectively Deal with a Crisis Situation

Parenting is a constant J O B. More work than a 9 to 5, and even a marriage, parenting is by far, rated the toughest job in America. As the old saying goes, "it takes a nation to raise a child". And that is exactly what the case is with our children today. In fact, it has always been that way, yet the social enhancements and freedoms via hi-tech technology have spoiled integrity and core values. In the midst of it all lies the liberal media. A portal or outlet, for the disbursement of such poisons like violence, disrespect and the glorification of everything immoral.

As the job of parenting is rigid and tedious, there still is hope. When it comes to getting compliance out of your kids, it simply involves a little ingenuity. As a childcare provider for boys ranging in age from 5 to 21 yeas old, I have learned many things about picking and choosing and battles. During these most precious years in life, mind stimulation is eagerly desired. Because emotional control still, has yet to be established, reactive children is the result. Reactive children are actually the easier of the two types, the other being proactive, to deal with in regards to crisis situations. A child who lashes out whether physically or verbally is said to be a reactive child. Take for instance a child who's kicking and screaming because he's being denied a toy. You can identify problem of the child based on his immediate response to some action.

On the other hand, proactive children show no immediate reaction to a problem. Instead, they store the attached emotions of a dissatisfying event and often contemplate on their retribution. This proves more dangerous for results are typically extreme and filled with much resentment, anger, hate and rage. Examples of such proactive persons in crisis include, the calculated "Columbine Shootings", "The DC Sniper" and "Virginia Tech Massacre". The youth perpetrators in all of the cases had something key in common. Their lack of important social skills. This was noticed of course, in the aftermath of the tragedy, as do many similar cases. The truth is, something can be done before hand, to prevent devastating casualties that we have experienced in the past. It seems that things are always noticed, or realized or attended to, after the fact. When it is too late. Only then, do we reflect on the obvious signs leading up to the outburst. That means that the evidence was there all along. So instead of awaiting lightning to strike, the signs of crisis that already exists can be attended to and treated prior to a crisis situation.

One of the themes as a child care provider is prevention. To understand what the signs are, learn from past experiences, and respond with a more productive approach are steps to take where prevention is not an option. Keep in mind, each child is different. Even if you think that some kids are alike by the way they act or cling to each other, etc. they are still in fact, more different than not. With that being said, take this into careful consideration when dealing with multiple children. Following is an in depth look at the 3 major methods that I use when dealing with a child with a potential crisis situation.

A child doesn't typically become irate for no apparent reason. some trigger is usually the cause of an outburst. A trigger is some person, or thing-animate or inanimate, that increases the chances for an outburst from the child due to an intense emotional connection to that trigger. For instance, Dad's long and stressful day at work leaves him ready for nothing but the sack when he reaches home. As he enters his abode he shouts, " I'm ready for the bed, I don't even think I can stay up for supper". Little son Johnny sees that the sun has yet to settle upon dads return and eagerly invites dad to work with him on his swing for an upcoming little league game. Dad incautiously replies "No son! Dad is beat! I just want to go to bed." This rejection will prove to be johnny's trigger if he acts out with physical and verbal anger, much to the dismay of dad. What could have been done differently? Do you see where dad's mistake was? Let's dissect this further.

As dad walked in the home he gained his first strike. Instead of a reply of " I'm ready for the bed, I don't even think I can stay up for supper". He could have taken notice to what was going on in the household. Considering that his family may have had an equally exhausting day in their own right, dad could of made an announcement similar to, "Hey family, I hope no one's day was as exhausting as mine." Here, instead of immediately becoming negative, he starts off with a caring gesture "..hope no one's day was as exhausting..." Engaging someone with a caring gesture, whether they are in need of intervention or not, puts the person at ease and makes them ready to willing receive the next thing you have to deliver. When the son approached dad with an offer, this was his(Dad's) shinning moment to take full advantage of the situation. For one thing, when children approach you with something of interest,. It means that that thing Really interests them. Often, especially during adolescent stages, kids can be secretive. Often wanting to do their own thing and establish their identity. So when the parent is invited to share a part of their child's world, this becomes a perfect opportunity for bonding with that child. If the son responds in a negative way every time dad rejects him, then this would be the sign that informs you of your child's trigger. Even as dad was extremely tired from work, to acknowledge the need of his son, he could of responded with a less brutal rejection, while still communicating his inability. "Hey son I tell you what. If we can reschedule for another day, I promise I'll put in extra work with you to have you ready for that game." Now of course dad's obligated to keep that promise, but his son is now more likely to receive this form of rejection, as it shows that dad still cares and he will take care of it. Kids will often give you lead way, but be sure that they will also hold you to your word, so follow-through is imperative.

Think back to the last time your child was in crisis. Very angry and aggressive he or she might of been, illustrating this through yelling, swearing, and throwing things. Now try to think of the environment just before the outburst. The details in this case are very crucial. Where were they standing? Were there anyone else in the vicinity? Was anything said or done just before the out burst? These are the type of focal points you want to adhere to, and take notes on. Analyze the things that seem to 'set-off' your kid and look for patterns. This research will paint a picture of the things your child has a hard time dealing with. Once you've identified these triggers, you can approach them with a resolution accordingly.

In the case of an inanimate trigger, one might wonder how is there an emotional attachment. Take for example, that Johnny is being bullied at school by a much bigger kid than him. Feeling helpless, he remembers that dad keeps a knife in his closet, and retrieves it to attempt to inflict the harm that he himself could not do. The trigger in this case is the knife, for the emotional attachment to it is the knowledge that this weapon will fulfill his desire to inflict harm to the bully. Another important factor to look at in this scenario is the fact that dad has a knife that is accessible to Johnny. This makes dad an enabler. An enabler provides motivation to complete some task, where dad(enabler) provides motivation(trigger-knife) to complete some task(harm to bully).

Think back to a time when you were a child and mad at the world. What typically set you off during your time of crisis. Most of us can remember some key moment, or particular person, or specific thing that always-almost instantaneously set us off. If the girl you didn't like from down the block came outside thinking she was so cute, this would send you into an uproar. Or maybe it was your mother not letting you hang out with your friends, whom seemed to always be having fun in your absence. You'd probably react with murmuring words of obscenities as you retreated to the confines of your room after a harsh and stern rejection. In those moments think of the triggers. Of course, in the case of not hanging out with friends, mom would be a trigger. But look a little closer, a more indirect trigger is the fact that your friends have fun every time they hang out without you. This intensifies your eagerness and that same energy is transferred to the resentful emotion that soon follows. If you're friends perhaps reported how horrible their night out was every night, then you'd probably have feeling of relief, knowing that you weren't missing out on any fun. Therefore lessening the blow of mom's rejection.

When you focus in on key moments of past experiences, you can analyze them and use that information to better deal with future occurrences, for they are sure to come. History is doomed to repeat itself with ignorance, so pay attention and learn from those past experiences.

How you respond to a potential crisis situation is where a test of skill come in. With all that you have learned, this is no time for the mind to go blank. I'd like to take a quick step back to getting to know your kids. Besides the time of an outburst, learn about your kids when they are not in crisis. Getting to know them and their personality on a daily basis will only build up an arsenal of resources you can use for future reference. Pay attention to the things your child is engaged in when they are alone. Try to sneak in on them if you can, just to get a concerned glimpse at their life. When your kids are quiet and off to themselves, 9 times out of 10 they are engaged in something they enjoy. This will prove to be great leverage for you later. Take note on what they are engaged in and wait.

Using positive reinforcement is crucial. Often, we as disciplinarians often wait for a negative activity to take place in order to inflict consequences. However, one must remember, there are good as well as bad consequences. As it is usually associated with negative cause, consequences are thought of as the chastisement for some evil deed. Partly true, good consequences can be applied for the contrary.

When you see your child engaging in positive activities, let them know that you see their good efforts. This is where your tactical spying mission comes into play. If Johnny is noticed doing some yard work on his own, without the assistance of a parental request, then a reward of his favorite thing to do would be a good way to build on a positive relationship. Even if, no tangible reward is given at the time, positive recognition goes a long way for kids. They want to feel important and like they are making a difference and having an impact on something. Playing on this emotion will give your much needed leverage. It will also stretch out the time of your child's next outburst. Knowing that they have the unconditional love and support of their parents, despite times of argument, will make them more susceptible to calming down willingly. The subconscious knowledge that, "Hey! Mom is pissed off at me, but she still loves me", will resonate when they get angry and provide as a deescalation tool. On the contrary, negative reinforcement will playback in the mind of the child when he or she is in crisis. This will serve as the fuel to their outburst.

Practice Coping Skills with your child. Coping skills are extremely important, as it provides a means to an end. In a crisis, emotions have a stronghold and often control the situation. Lack of coping skills will result in these emotions being played out, often resulting in tragedy. A substituted or redirected reaction to some problem is the core of a working coping skill. Instead of Johnny, swearing and yelling and throwing things as a way to deal with his anger, a worked out coping skill of biting the pillow, blasting the radio or going outside to cool off. Even as adults we struggle with coping with our problems. In homes of domestic violence, the aggressor deals with anger issues through physical, mental and verbal abuse. It is hard to develop a good coping skill, let alone sticking with one, so be patient with your kids. A good way to work through the coping skills is with role playing real life situations. An aware list of triggers should be used in the scenario, with any accompanying dialog and gestures as necessary. The idea is to make the role playing as real as possible. This means no holding back in some cases. Playing out a role of your child's most furious and irate moment will give them insight of their actions. The role playing will often serve as shock affect for a child, as they see themselves in moments of shame and ill character. Don't be surprised or get worried about not noticing results immediately. This simply provides a basis or gateway for communicating faults with your child in a constructive manner. It alone does not guarantee astronomical results. Instead, dedicated and often tedious work is involved at sealing the deal.

All that you have read through so far is a prepping for the works. Application.! You may wonder, When do I implement these skills and methods? How do I know which method to use or if it is the right moment? This is where again, knowing your child comes in. Every situation is not going to play out the way it would ideally in your head. Further, ingenuity is what is needed at this point

When it comes to actually being in the act, when the scenario is playing out live and you must react. Refer to all of your tools and methods you have learned here. Structure a sequence of assessment, processing the information and response. It wouldn't hurt for you too, as the guardian to role-play your own role for when a crisis situation is at hand. Below are two scenarios that I used on my boys to prevent an outburst and a potentially dangerous crisis situation. Take note of how I applied a different twist on the same basic method as it pertained to a specific child.

Scenario 1: A group of boys are horse playing in the corridor during bedtime. As bedtime is structured and set in stone, 9:00 pm every night, I notice that it is 9:08 while they are gathered in the hallway. My assistant became eager at this point and proceed to shout, "Hey guys, cut it out...cut it out guys.....HEY!" The ring leader of the group was known for horseplay, and ridging up the rest of the pact was his specialty. Knowing each of the boys and knowing that collectively, they rule, I was not going to set myself up to fail with shouts and yells, to fall on deaths ears. Along with the yelling, my partner is becoming increasingly agitated. The group of teens recognize this and feed into it. Increasing in their shenanigans and getting louder, the group continued with their indirect taunting and rebellion of the rules. Sure they know what the rules are, they have been in place before any of them arrived to the institution, yet the thrill of getting an emotional reaction out of someone, especially of a leadership role, serves as pure entertainment. Assessing all of this quickly, I proceeded with a more unorthodox approach. Shouting "Get Out Of The Way...Move, I Want My Hits", as I approached the pact-where the ringleader was on the floor attempting to block a barrage of shots. Immediately, to their surprise of my wanting to engage, they dispersed and cleared a way for me to get through. I am now standing over the ringleader and attempting to seek my own retribution with a barrage of Fake shots of my own. The dispersed pact looks on with amusement, as I then help up the ringleader, whom I also have isolated from the remainder of the pact. My cheery playfulness swiftly dissipates into assertiveness as I instruct him only to retreat to his room and prep for bed. The remainder of the pact followed suit for their Trigger(ringleader) had changed venues.

Scenario 2: This incident involved younger boys of 8 and 9 years old. A bit more straightforward are their issues at that age, none the less, solving them takes just as much, if not more energy in resolving them. The two were arguing over who's red fleece blanket belonged to who. Both had identical blankets that would be washed together during laundry time, so as an adult my logical explanation was that it really didn't matter. The blankets were exact in every way possible, and as Lon as there were two of them, every body's happy. This proved not to be the case on this day. After an annoying round off of frivolous bickering, I derived a solution. Knowing two key things about one of the boys. 1. he loves money, and 2. he's Diagnosed with ADHD, I proceeded to divert his attention. "Oh! Johnny! Go pick up the quarter that I dropped over there before somebody gets it." Quickly, Johnny scurried off to retrieve the treasure. As he was now isolated from his trigger, I quickly redirected the less, yet still aggressive opponent.

In closing, I'd like to leave you with a thought. Some one once said, "Only a wise man can play a fool, but a fool can never play a wise man.". That is said to say that sometimes you have to trick your kid. You have to get on their level just a little, to bring them to where you want them to be. Remember, you are in control the whole time. Kids cannot see the same perspective you do because they are in the moment, so judgment is cloudy. They will not usually detect these assertive caring gestures for they have no time to process a lot of subconscious thought due to their busy lives. This is your leverage. as a person viewing their lives and it''s direction from the outside looking in.